So, I’m not gunna beat around the bush here – the last few months have been intense. But I finally managed to find some sort of neutral mood, or balance or something like that which has helped me to function again. My mind has been consumed by everything lately – sounds like an exaggeration, but it’s perfectly possible to let everything consume you.
For the last few months I’ve been struggling with the imminent sense of nothingness, vs. the sense of worthlessness, vs. the sense of not being able to function, vs. not actually being able to function, vs. having to plod along and do things anyway. And somehow, in some strange, weird and almost wonderful way I’ve managed to externally present myself to the world as someone who’s doing fine. And for some reason this just makes me panic even more, and the thought of having to ask for help seems like I’m about to walk the plank or something drastic like that. Because then all shall be revealed – but it won’t as I’m not gunna run around shouting from the rooftops about my issues – I think it’s tricky when you allow others to believe that you are doing fine as when you have to seek support it creates a belief that others will think you’re just making it up, or ‘milking it.’ (Such a colloquial term haha).
But now I’m left with the horrendous panic and fear of everything, everything is overwhelming me again, the world is a billion times louder and my heart is beating a billion times faster. I know how dramatic this sounds, but the feeling of dread, panic and deep fear is there in my chest, and I know that if I don’t write this down or share this then it will break through my chest and all hell shall break lose! (I’ve definitely lost it…)
I’m panicking about panicking – I’m already panicking about certain things, but the intense fear and stress and panic and fear and stress of being alone and panic consuming me is pretty much BIG in my life right now. And I can’t do anything productive as the panic of not being able to do things because I may panic is also there – so basically there’s a lot of panic, and a very stressed, panicky human here.
And now it’s chucking it down outside and I am definitely 100% stuck in Uni as that rain is ridiculous.
This is the only photo I have on my laptop that describes my current mood: