Silence is louder than words. It really is, it really really is, sometimes for all the wrong reasons, but sometimes silence can be a starting point, sometimes silence can trigger change, and sometimes silence can trigger recovery.
I’ve blogged about silence before… because I often tell people to speak up, to be open and honest and I fully stand by my words. Speaking up and asking for help is so so important. But… it’s also blindingly obvious that sometimes silence shows others how hard you are struggling – simply because you cannot find words, tears or even thoughts that explain and articulate how you’re feeling.
Back in April I published a blog post titled ‘Strength in Silence – Tackling Mental Health’ where I somehow tried to articulate why silence can be both a blessing and a curse, here’s one of the main things I said:
“It’s the real nitty gritty stuff that I have always kept to myself and it’s this silence that essentially led me to my weakest moments, even though I thought I was being strong. It is an incredibly strong action to tackle your deepest struggles and don’t ever forget that – even if it’s one person you reach out to, or even if it’s accepting you need help – staying silent can (lets not beat around the bush) be life-threatening. Silence in this sense (aka: keeping everything to myself and thinking I was strong) was potentially more harmful than the traumatic events I experienced.”
Sometimes though, I find myself slipping back into my old ways… I stay silent, I keep things stored up, but I ignore them – then my mind tries it’s hardest to switch off from the pain. That’s when silence is my only answer – I can’t find words, I can’t even make sense of things but I know that I am struggling, I know that I’m in trouble.
Every possible scenario and negative outcome plays out in my mind for every situation that I am in. I constantly find myself questioning: what is the point? Who actually cares? Why do I still try and fight whatever this is – when more often than not it wins?
Because honestly, I cannot see a point at the moment. There are so many reasons, people and things to hold onto… but am I wasting everyone’s time? I constantly feel sick, there is no way out, and apparently I can’t even find the strength to open my mouth and speak to those who have been so so vital to my recovery.
There’s no kicking and screaming, no confusion, no rambling to understand things, no sense of anything… I sound so dramatic but honestly… my mind feels blank right now.
I’ve been doodling things again (words ironically…) though these are some doodles I made a few weeks back today they apparently perfectly sum up the emptiness and lack of whatever it is I’m lacking…