Silence is louder than words. It really is, it really really is, sometimes for all the wrong reasons, but sometimes silence can be a starting point, sometimes silence can trigger change, and sometimes silence can trigger recovery.
I’ve blogged about silence before… because I often tell people to speak up, to be open and honest and I fully stand by my words. Speaking up and asking for help is so so important. But… it’s also blindingly obvious that sometimes silence shows others how hard you are struggling – simply because you cannot find words, tears or even thoughts that explain and articulate how you’re feeling.
Back in April I published a blog post titled ‘Strength in Silence – Tackling Mental Health’ where I somehow tried to articulate why silence can be both a blessing and a curse, here’s one of the main things I said:
“It’s the real nitty gritty stuff that I have always kept to myself and it’s this silence that essentially led me to my weakest moments, even though I thought I was being strong. It is an incredibly strong action to tackle your deepest struggles and don’t ever forget that – even if it’s one person you reach out to, or even if it’s accepting you need help – staying silent can (lets not beat around the bush) be life-threatening. Silence in this sense (aka: keeping everything to myself and thinking I was strong) was potentially more harmful than the traumatic events I experienced.”
Sometimes though, I find myself slipping back into my old ways… I stay silent, I keep things stored up, but I ignore them – then my mind tries it’s hardest to switch off from the pain. That’s when silence is my only answer – I can’t find words, I can’t even make sense of things but I know that I am struggling, I know that I’m in trouble.
Every possible scenario and negative outcome plays out in my mind for every situation that I am in. I constantly find myself questioning: what is the point? Who actually cares? Why do I still try and fight whatever this is – when more often than not it wins?
Because honestly, I cannot see a point at the moment. There are so many reasons, people and things to hold onto… but am I wasting everyone’s time? I constantly feel sick, there is no way out, and apparently I can’t even find the strength to open my mouth and speak to those who have been so so vital to my recovery.
There’s no kicking and screaming, no confusion, no rambling to understand things, no sense of anything… I sound so dramatic but honestly… my mind feels blank right now.
blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
I’ve been doodling things again (words ironically…) though these are some doodles I made a few weeks back today they apparently perfectly sum up the emptiness and lack of whatever it is I’m lacking…
Dearest Someone 
‘Who actually cares?’ Many of us do. ‘Why do I still try and fight whatever this is – when more often than not it wins?’ Truly, I don’t know either right now, but I am so glad that you do for you and in doing so give others the courage to keep moving through it all too, even when we don’t know (or have lost sight of) the point of it all.
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Thanks Emily 🙂 I’m having a very rough day today! I’ve definitely hit a wall ha! I’ve definitely lost sight of everything, but blogging helps me try and somehow understand haha! x
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Hi Ella, I’m sorry you are having a tough day. I can identify with what you say here. I wrote one earlier about lost hope, meaning, purpose and a pineapple – thankfully the pineapple kept it light 🙂 But it IS really tough on the tough days – Proud2SpeakOut wrote a good blog about bad days a while back; focused specifically on trauma relating to child sexual abuse, but it all overlaps, interrelates. I do think (hmm, some hopefulness creeping in) that it is often our most stuck, entrenched, silenced, shadowy places inside that ultimately hold life, light, a whole lot of potential, but it is tough and even when there are no words, and even when we forget, there is a whole community, and it does take a community, to share in the holding hope and finding words and bearing the bad days. Em 🙂
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Thank-you for this 🙂 I’m definitely gunna go read this post about a pineapple haha 😉 I don’t know what else to say, but thank-you xx
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It’s so hard not speak up, especially when one is so used to being quiet. I find myself keeping to myself often. And I think I am speaking until my husband confronts me about my not speaking to him. It’s hard to explain, but I realize that this is the habit that I’ve created and it’s sadly very comfortable. But, I really appreciate that you open up even when you don’t want to. There are many people listening.
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I know it’s hard to explain, but I also fully understand you! haha 🙂 I find it so hard to even think about doing things that I’m not comfortable with (when it comes to dealing with things). But I’m trying my hardest to open up – thank-you very much for your kind words 🙂
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so sorry to read that you are going through such a tough time right now. I understand how the silence can be deafening in its terror and I only hope that you can find the strength to keep reaching out. It’s great that you can use your blog to at least get some words out. Keep fighting to do that. You’re a real warrior. Stay strong x
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Thank-you for this lovely comment 🙂 The fact that I blogged yesterday made my mental health appointment a lot easier today (partly because I know that what I’m not saying in my sessions can be found online haha) but also because when I’m blogging I can just write what’s on my mind rather than say it aloud. It works wonders! 🙂
Hope you’re well x
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