May 9, 2016Dearest Someone

Anxiety and depression

My mood is very low, despite being able to ‘function’ I feel very depressed. Depression is a horrid mess of blackness, which for me feels inescapable. I am unable to manoeuvre my way through the darkness to find a way out. I’ve been travelling in circles throughout the past two years, yet the longer I travel the less likely it feels that I’ll find a comfortable destination.

I don’t know what I want right now, I feel I have so many options, but so little choice. Depression wants one thing – it wants me to struggle, and it’s winning. Depression has taken my energy, my drive, my ability to think coherently and it’s found friendship in anxiety. Heck, the relationship between my depression and anxiety is probably greater than any relationship I’ll ever have.

Depression has left me feeling alone. I have friends, family, colleagues, the shopkeeper across the road – there’s people everywhere who I know want to spend time with me, people who care about me, but depression doesn’t want that. Anxiety definitely doesn’t want me to have friendships – because friendship is dangerous, and depression knows that’s true.

Anxiety and depression are the dream team. Anxiety and depression have been fighting to take control for a while, and currently they are winning. And the prize? Stress, hopelessness, lethargy, panic, self-hate and anger. Anger towards myself, towards my dear friends depression and anxiety, guilt towards the people trying to help, envy towards people living ‘normal’ lives, and of course anger, sorrow, fear, pain and shame toward my past, my present and my future.

I may sound dramatic, but you should hear some of the stuff anxiety likes to come up with.

 

riday nights -- 6pm

21 comments

  2. Hey lovely – remember the day you encouraged me to make pineapple upside down cake? You said it’s not the pinapple’s fault – i think i thought perhaps i’d punish the pineapple by not allowing it to fulfill it’s destiny or something. LOL I’ve had a couple of days recently when I’ve really thought depression was taking it’s hold again, but am lucky to not be nearly so much in the grip of that right now. So much harder to reach out and write from that place – but you do – amazingly – and so supportively for so many others. A couple of my recent blogs, which I feel resonate here, and with the one you wrote recently on pictures, just so you know lots of us are alongside you, even though i so know how alone it can feel. Gentle https://recoveringoursexemilyskyepoet.wordpress.com/2016/05/09/gentle/ via @wordpressdotcom Mood filters https://recoveringoursexemilyskyepoet.wordpress.com/2016/04/18/mood-filters/ via @wordpressdotcom

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    • Thank-you for your lovely comment (as usual – you lovely human!) I’d completely forgotten about the pineapple ha! I forget how wonderfully weird the whole blogging world can be – we can support each other even when we’ve never met – and that’s certainly what you’re doing right now, so thank-you 🙂

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  3. Good – I am glad – but all i’m really doing is reflecting you and your wider picture back to you – it’s tough when we’re in the places you describe because everything kind of narrows – so I’m really just offering you back to you – smile And yes, it’s kind of like a village – LOL

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  4. Oh and by the way did you go to GO APE yet – I had to postpone my trip, but detemined to go end of summer probably – apparently you get training, and then you can work from lower heights to the more scary levels? It all sounds very high up!

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    • I did! I went last weekend – it was great fun! Admittedly it is all quite high up – but you have training at the start and you can come down whenever you want to! There’s also times when you can choose between moderate and difficult routes – the first time I went I did the difficult ones, but the last two times I’ve chosen the moderate options!

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  5. you have described really well the place i have been in for many years. sure once in a while there are reprieves, but mostly not so much. i hope you can find a lighter brighter place (and me too).

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  7. As someone who’s in the middle of a ‘dodgy one’ at the moment, I hope you at least have better moments. I know it’s like trying eat spaghetti with chopsticks, but try and reflect or at least acknowledge those fleeting moments. Take care!

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