I’ve really been stuck with words lately, not lost for words… I’ll always be able to endlessly chat rubbish, but in terms of finding words (or finding the ability in my brain to get words out) I have been struggling, especially when it comes to talking about whatever is going on in my mind. (Because most of the time I can barely decipher what I’m feeling, or thinking, let alone find the words to explain to someone else).
When I’m really struggling to comprehend my own self, my mind tends to get stuck in a loop of freaking out about trying to find words (or the words are there but for some reason I’m unable to actually get any words out of my brain). It’s almost as if there’s a traffic jam of thoughts, feelings and everything else, with no room to move forward because of the awful blurriness caused by feeling overwhelmed, and a little panicky. The best way to explain it is a traffic jam that’s caused by torrential rain and dark weather, you can barely see the car in front of you, let alone the way home. My thoughts can’t figure out how to move forward, they’re just stuck, and externally I’m left looking like a lost puppy, who apparently forgets to blink.
I don’t make things easy for myself, because it’s when I’m finding things difficult that I am most unable to talk. Also, when I am battling my way through the haziness of my own mind I tend to get ultra sensitive to noise; even the slightest of noise can completely freak me out (which then means that whatever it is I’ve been fighting to think about completely goes, I lose all my thoughts, and have to start all over). It’s at that point when it would just be easier to hibernate. I get so frustrated at my inability to know what’s going on with myself, it’s unbelievably annoying not knowing what is happening, or not being able to even think of what support I need. I mean most of the time I prefer just being on my own, and dealing with things that way, but I know we all need support when things are tough, so I try to reach out and then my mind goes blank. IT’S SO FRUSTRATING. I then get stuck in that loop of freaking out about wasting everyone’s time, and feeling a little hopeless.
My mind is so annoying, and I can imagine it’s annoying for others – there are so many wonderful people in my life who want to support me, but how on earth can they support me when even I have no idea what’s going on?