I’ve really been stuck with words lately, not lost for words… I’ll always be able to endlessly chat rubbish, but in terms of finding words (or finding the ability in my brain to get words out) I have been struggling, especially when it comes to talking about whatever is going on in my mind. (Because most of the time I can barely decipher what I’m feeling, or thinking, let alone find the words to explain to someone else).
When I’m really struggling to comprehend my own self, my mind tends to get stuck in a loop of freaking out about trying to find words (or the words are there but for some reason I’m unable to actually get any words out of my brain). It’s almost as if there’s a traffic jam of thoughts, feelings and everything else, with no room to move forward because of the awful blurriness caused by feeling overwhelmed, and a little panicky. The best way to explain it is a traffic jam that’s caused by torrential rain and dark weather, you can barely see the car in front of you, let alone the way home. My thoughts can’t figure out how to move forward, they’re just stuck, and externally I’m left looking like a lost puppy, who apparently forgets to blink.
I don’t make things easy for myself, because it’s when I’m finding things difficult that I am most unable to talk. Also, when I am battling my way through the haziness of my own mind I tend to get ultra sensitive to noise; even the slightest of noise can completely freak me out (which then means that whatever it is I’ve been fighting to think about completely goes, I lose all my thoughts, and have to start all over). It’s at that point when it would just be easier to hibernate. I get so frustrated at my inability to know what’s going on with myself, it’s unbelievably annoying not knowing what is happening, or not being able to even think of what support I need. I mean most of the time I prefer just being on my own, and dealing with things that way, but I know we all need support when things are tough, so I try to reach out and then my mind goes blank. IT’S SO FRUSTRATING. I then get stuck in that loop of freaking out about wasting everyone’s time, and feeling a little hopeless.
My mind is so annoying, and I can imagine it’s annoying for others – there are so many wonderful people in my life who want to support me, but how on earth can they support me when even I have no idea what’s going on?
Dearest Someone 
Hey lovely, As always really helpful to read you blog. You are very good an articulating intangible stuff. And as often I can relate. I haven’t written much recently, partly because I don’t feel any kind of clarity. The only thing I feel a bit clear about is that thinking probably isn’t that helpful to me right now, because everything is needing time to settle into new patterns and I just need to focus on real basics, the practical, physical world for now, one foot in front of another. I don’t know if you can relate to this at all, from one thinker to another, but thought i’d say in case it is helpful.
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I can completely relate to that! I’m definitely trying to settle at the moment, as well as trying to take it easy with myself, but that’s proving to be easier said than done! Xx
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Dearest Ella,
Thanks so much for this post, I can relate to almost every word. I had this exact same problem when I was 13-14ish. Whenever I tried to say something, there was the traffic jam and rain and dark weather, and as soon as I stopped trying it magically lifted. So soon enough, I stopped trying and I didn’t speak at all for some time. I was absolutely hopeless as well, and felt like a total failure for not being able to say what I needed to say. And the more I fussed over it, the worse it got. I guess what I want to say is please don’t feel you are wasting people’s time, try not to feel too hopeless, and be patient with yourself. Things will get better. For me things got better when I felt less pressured to speak. I hope you’ll feel a bit more peaceful soon. Warm wishes, Ana
PS. I wrote a post about my silent phase too, you’ll find it here if you’re interested: https://articulateana.wordpress.com/2016/08/12/ms-l
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Thank-you for your comment and for sharing your post š I really struggle with feeling ashamed when I’m unable to talk, which just makes me want to stay silent even more – it’s reassuring to know that others have been in the same positioned and moved forward š xx
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Sorry to hear you’re having a rough time at the moment. The traffic jam analogy you wrote is perfect & so relatable. I think a huge part of any mental health struggle is that inability to actually understand and organise what’s going on in the mind! It can be so overwhelming and confusing. I hope you have something relaxing planned for the weekend, and never be afraid to reach out if you need it xo
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Thank-you š I’ve had a long but good/relaxing/much needed easy day! (Despite being at work!) I hope you’re well xx
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