January 16, 2017Dearest Someone

Fed up with my mental health

Before I asked for help with my mental health back in 2014 I’d been struggling for quite some time. But sometimes it’s tricky to decipher between stuff that is stressful in terms of everyday life, and stuff that becomes your everyday life because of mental illness. I’m exhausted, and I have been for ages. Heck, I’ve been at war with my brain for as long as I can remember. I have an annoyingly logical side of my mind that weaves it’s way in and out of the parts of my mind that feel as though they are clouded by thick, thick smoke, fire and rain. My whole mind feels weighted down by something incomprehensible – something which I and many others will identify as mental illness. But then there’s the logical force that seems to try hard to make me see sense, but it doesn’t win much.

Sometimes I question whether it would have been easier to just ignore my mental health, and continue fighting this alone. I hated myself, and it is was horrible to cope before I sought help, but it still feels the same now. It’s the same but different, now I find myself constantly ashamed of myself for not being able to control my mental health – especially as I’m having treatment, I mean I’m meant to be getting better right?

Honestly it’s exhausting, it’s not just a day in day out battle, it’s a battle that changes pretty much every hour. Even when days are good they’re still clouded by that huge shadow of mental illness. It’s just there waiting to take over, and it brings along with it the shame and anger toward myself for not being able to block it out. But then I question: am I meant to be blocking it out? Or am I meant to be fighting my way through it? But I don’t know how to fight my way through it effectively enough to stop it from retaliating.

Was it easier when I ignored it? When I just let it follow me around and I kept plodding my way through life hurting, but putting on my finest, bravest face? But I’m still doing that now… Things are different from three years ago, but I have no idea if they’re better or worse. If I didn’t get help where would things be at now?

To be honest I don’t know where I’m at now, I can’t tell anymore if I’ve made any progress or if I’m just falling deeper. Things change so quickly that I can’t keep up. When I’m talking to others I feel like I’m able to cope with things, like I can fight this, and like I am making progress. But as quick as that sense of hope comes it diminishes, leaving helplessness, pain and fear.

The longer I spend facing this battle the harder I find it to go to others for support. I feel stupid for still needing support; if I’m sick of this others must be also.

I wish I could bury my mental health.

bury
Source: Pinterest.

9 comments

  1. Hey honey I want to give you my opinion which has changed in one week….obviously in reality this period in my life hasn’t been easy the past 5 years actually maybe more, but I relate to what your saying so much and you are not alone. I too live a life similar to yours. Thinking too much basically stuck in my own lonely head. I have a leg injury which may be my back but due to those around me and times becoming difficult and hospital and doc. appointments. I gave in to my thoughts and closed myself away, I foolishly included the doctor and pharmacy and stopped my meds. Everything became hassle I could no longer cope with. Fortunately I have a great family and I have visited doctor who prescribed Lyrica and I feel like it has changed my life. The pain is bearable and i have been busy living and not worrying or giving in to my anxietys and depression.It’s a bad habit thinking as I think mental illness creates triggers we use thinking it keeps us protected. When really our thinking shuts us off from the world which cant be helpful. In the end we die alone fact but we end up in the same place just different. so life is about living and action and surrounding yourself with who and what you love. Don’t feel unhappy change something and be proud of yourself coz this time will pass and tomorrow when you have done 17things and feel tired try to relax and laugh with friends to get over it. I feel in the space of one week normal…I have a long way to go but I’m hoping I have turned a corner,I will let you know. I hope my anxiety attacks are really just a behaviour which gives us the bad habits which in turn brings on the periods of nothingness that I feel and which was terrifying me. On top of my leg pain I can’t believe how much better in myself I feel for doing something now….time flies too fast. Hope you can find a smile or a few as you go through your day. Find a good doctor. Maybe you have had this period where you do feel enabled? My doc. Prescribed an anxiety tablet too but I decided to just try one type at a time and so far it’s awesome I’d say….lol week one though x my hugs n thoughts are with you be brave and try not to think try to be moving around more when you aren’t asleep x x

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    • Thank-you for being so honest! I’m finding it difficult to let people in at the moment, which in turn is making me avoid the doctors which isn’t good I know, but i feel like I need to make some big changes which is overwhelming, I’m just a little stuck at the moment, but also ready for a change, if that makes sense? Xx

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      • Makes perfect sense x until last week I really was just in turmoil. I do believe the attacks are just bad habits we ourselves create….I have the same as you but I do feel so comfortable in me enough to ask for more help thanks to Lyrica honestly my world has just clicked back to normal by the time I realise I’m thinking I have gotten dressed done housework cleaned a few places like drawers n such like I love my home and I feel like I love my life and it’s becoming the place it should be.if that makes sense x x

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  3. you are not alone in feeling ‘sick of your mental health’ issues. and it is not a battle that is only fought once. it is fought repeatedly. but the good news is we do get better at fighting it, especially with the help of counseling and meds and hopefully support people.

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  4. Hello Ella,

    I’m Jo, artist, writer, traveller, wild west nut and renaissance soul. I’ve recovered from thirty years of depression and anxiety and I’m now writing on my blog, Creating My Odyssey, about the rebuilding of my polymath creative lifestyle. I’m hoping to reach people with mental health issues and creatives in general to give encouragement, inspiration, and hopefully some enjoyment. I wondered if you’d like to see it, because I know exactly how you feel. Have a look and see what you think.

    Jo UK http://www.joclutton.simplesite.com

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