It’s been over a month since I last published a blog post, and boy it’s been an interesting month. For me, publishing stuff through Dearest Someone is one of the greatest outlets I have for alleviating stresses and sharing thoughts. I really enjoy writing, and when I’m having a difficult, or stressful time, I rely on writing. I can often find it difficult to articulate to others – or even, to understand myself – what’s going on when I’m not feeling great.

Dearest Someone quickly became a bit of a salvation for me, it’s a way for me to instantly get things out of my brain and almost literally lay it out in front of me. Writing is easy for me, I can type away my thoughts and feelings instantly, and it really helps free up some space in my mind. Recently though I’ve become more frustrated at how often I utilise ‘social media’ and online platforms. The irony is that for most of my undergraduate and postgraduate degrees I did a great deal of work around social media, and what it means in terms of communication, breaking boundaries, building bridges and so forth. So I’m well aware of both the negative and positive aspects of using things such as Facebook, Twitter, and writing a blog.

I’d found myself questioning whether it was ‘healthy’ for me to write a blog. In short, yes, as it is one of the only places I can be honest about things, but I’ve also realised that by writing things and publishing them through Dearest Someone it often meant that I felt I didn’t need to talk about things elsewhere. I’m aware that a lot of my friends and loved ones read my blog, and I really started to get annoyed at myself for only being open about certain things through an online platform, rather than just talking face to face. But it can be quite a helpful process – writing a post without having to think about what I’m writing or saying, without having to edit things out because I’m scared of people’s immediate responses, and often I found that before I published a post and read it back through that most of the stuff I was saying really wasn’t that scandalous. It helped me realise that I really was just going through a crap time, and I didn’t once question whether I should or shouldn’t be publishing something I’d written. (To be fair that sort of stuff never was written).

Ironically, publishing stuff online means that more people can find out about what’s going on – but I’d come to accept that if it was easier to share things through my blog, then at least I’m sharing them. And, of course, I really do feel that being open and honest about mental health related matters can only aid others in understanding mental illness, and hopefully encourage others to talk about mental health.

What I really quite like about how honest I feel Dearest Someone can be is that you can at times really see how up and down things can get. One blog post will be all peachy, and lighthearted, and then the next will be ever so slightly dramatic. And one thing that I really love is how much relief I feel after writing something. It’d feel different for me to write something and then not share it, as I know that I would just sit on that writing, and I’d most likely not talk about things as I’d already ‘removed’ them from my head so to say. So having Dearest Someone enables me to write stuff, reflect on what I’ve written and then share it somewhere. So at least someone is reading it, and it’s not just me listening to my thoughts on repeat in my head.

Writing is always easier for me than talking, but I’ve also come to realise that I do just need to take a leap and talk about certain things, especially the things that I’m not writing about. And I think, knowing that I need to talk about those things sooner rather than later is what’s made it difficult for me to write things recently.

At times I write because I feel completely unable to talk to others, and it really helps. Other times I’ll open an empty post, and just type until I realise what on earth it is that my brain is trying to block out; it helps me break things down, and often I can just sit and type endlessly – which is very comforting for me. Especially when I’ve been struggling to make sense of what’s going on in my head – writing helps me figure this out, it’s almost as if my brain just takes over, and then I’ll have writing to read, which often can be quite painful, but it really aids me in figuring out what on earth is going on.

I’ve questioned a lot lately about whether to continue utilising Dearest Someone, but I know that I’d be lost if I didn’t have it. I also think that it means that I’m at a place where I’m more than ready to talk about certain things, which is terrifying, but oddly something that I’m keen to do. I’m unbelievably grateful to those who have read posts, commented, shared and supported me through Dearest Someone, and I really just wanted to take a moment to express that. I guess Dearest Someone really is something of a reflection of me – I write when I need to, and I can keep quiet when I need to. I do find it odd that I do it so publicly, but I’m not the first. nor unfortunately, the last person to deal with a mental illness (or just a heck of a lot of crap,) and having Dearest Someone has really helped me stay aware of that.

Here’s to many more awkward, intense, boring, exciting, odd blog posts.

Adios,

Ella