Feeling stuck in a loop

Over the past month I’ve found myself thinking a lot about what to write, and I guess it shows a little in the posts I published before this. I think I’ve been worried about repeating myself, or publishing blog posts that are all too similar to ones I’ve published before – but I think this reflects a lot of what’s been going on in my life recently.

I’ve been incredibly frustrated over the past month or so about saying the same things, and doing the same things – I feel that it must be annoying for those who support me that I’m seemingly stuck in a loop and unsure of how to get out of it. It’s made it harder for me to open up and be honest to my mental health team as I’m very aware (or at least it feels that way for me) that I’m consistently showing up and presenting the same thoughts, beliefs and actions. The thought that if I’m fed up others must be fed up is constantly on loop in my mind – and it’s very hard to shake that thought.

When I was driving into work this morning I was thinking about the phrase ‘creature of habit’ – I guess we’re all ‘creatures of habit’ (though I spent a little time thinking about the word creature – why don’t we just say point blankly that as humans we like to do the same things if those things make us comfortable?) I drive the same way into work every day, though I like to shake things up a little in the evenings – if I want to listen to a new music playlist I’ve made I drive the long way – so I can sit in traffic and listen to music (true story), but if I want to get home faster I drive a different route. I do things differently depending on my mood and depending on the circumstances, but although I do things differently I still deal with them in a way that feels comfortable to me.

But what if feeling comfortable isn’t necessarily the healthiest of things? I can’t tell you the amount of times I’ve seen the phrase ‘life begins at the end of your comfort zone’ popping up all over social media, or someone reciting it back to me as if it’s gunna change everything. I’m fully aware that if I want things to change then I need to change things, even if it’s the tiniest of steps – and that’s why I get frustrated when I think and feel the same thoughts and emotions, over and over. I feel embarrassed and ashamed to say the same things, I feel silly for not being able to change things, or to suddenly go from making change to being stuck in the same bloody loop of feeling rubbish, not being able to talk about it, and not knowing what to do in order to move forward. It doesn’t help when people around you are going through big changes in their lives – I love my friends and family, and I’m incredibly pleased and proud of them, but it of course makes me question where I’m at – what’s going on for me?

It’s not all doom and gloom, I know I’m fortunate to have lovely friends, and a strong support system, I have a good job, wonderful housemates, plenty of cats that like to come visit, and I’m in a position where I have control over my life. But still, all the negative thoughts weave their way into my life, and it’s pretty hard to silence them at times. I know half the time it’s all rubbish, but if I’m tired, or stressed or there’s a lot going on then it’s harder to acknowledge that maybe my thoughts aren’t truths. It’s the sheer panic when I sit down and feel as though I can’t change anything, or I feel as though I haven’t changed anything in a while – even though I have, and although I’ve felt that way before it still feels as though I have no idea how to handle things. Though I get by pretty much by winging it, I think we all do – I do have people who are willing to listen to me repeatedly saying the same things – but what upsets me the most is that their responses, their thoughts and their perspective on things is always incredibly supportive, it always helps – but if they have to keep saying the same things to me then I don’t want them to feel as though I’m not listening, and to feel as though it’s pointless trying to ‘get through to me’.

I feel as if I’m stuck in a loop, that I can get out of but every now and then it sucks me back in, and I’m left saying the same things – and the more I get sucked back in the harder it feels to talk about things to others.

 

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3 comments

  1. This resonates so much with me ❤ My psych has been challenging me to step out of my comfort zone and to change my routine, but I like my comfort zone. It's comfortable!

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    • It’s funny because sometimes I think our ‘comfort’ zones are not comforting us at all ha! But it’s what we’re used to and it can be difficult to change things! Good luck 😎

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  2. Hi Ella,

    Great to connect with you!

    I’m Jo – artist, writer, traveller (I was interviewed by local radio on that subject), mental health advocate, music lover, wild west nut intrigued by science, and renaissance soul with a potty sense of humour.

    Four years ago I began a three-year journey towards miraculous full recovery after thirty years of depression – a medication crisis was the catalyst, I’ve never felt this good – and I’m chronicling the rebuild of my polymath and adventurous, creative lifestyle on my blog, *Creating My Odyssey *

    I’m networking with creatives with mental health issues and reaching people with a voice, and those with depression in particular, to show that depression is the most treatable of mental illnesses.

    By enormous good chance through my medication crisis and wonderful neighbours, we met the brilliant mental health team, who, with a combination of medication (known as California Rocket Fuel – love it!) and cognitive behavioural therapy, brought me to where I am now. Which proves that provided sufferers know where to look, help is available. That’s the hard part, which shouldn’t be the case.

    *Creating My Odyssey * is a great vehicle for my creativity – writing (anecdotal articles and an epic novel) and art – and also covers a myriad of eclectic subjects. I’m unleashing everything that was previously hidden under a bushel, and I’ve been interviewed and had articles published on mental health sites.

    I’m also posting blog links on my site and would love to exchange links and guest posts with other bloggers, particularly on mental health matters, so if you’re interested, I’d love to hear from you. Also, if possible, to collaborate with other creatives who suffer or have suffered from mental health problems. Possibly exchange blog posts about creative lives, whatever ideas anyone may have. I’m open to (almost!) anything!

    I’ve also been writing a humongous novel forever, on and off, particularly during young parenthood and depression, to help keep me sane*. Alias Jeannie Delaney *is the life story of a devastating cowgirl who’s the fastest gun in the west and also bisexual. Since my recovery from depression I’ve decided it’s time to get it out there! I’m blogging about it on my site. Talking of the wild west, I’ve had interviews about my fascination for it, and even appeared on a news item on southern UK television!

    Thank you so much for reading, and I’d love you to follow me on my travels through life.

    Jo UK

    I’ve had an interview published here: Leslie Tate interview/Recovering From Depression Part 1 Leslie Tate interview/Recovering From Depression Part 2

    I’ve had mental health articles published here: Councillors Cafe – All Dried Up Councillors Cafe – My Experience of CBT Rachel Kelly/My wellness story by Jo Clutton Creative Mental Health – One of the Hardest Things iam1in4/ creating-my-odyssey Author Jo Clutton – Mental Movement

    I had many anecdotal articles published in the *Alton Gazette (Hampshire UK)* I was featured in my cowgirl role in the *Alton Gazette* and *The Sunday Telegraph Magazine*! I had an article on narrow boating featured in Waterways World

    I write about life, creativity and mental health here: http://www.jo-b-creative.blogspot.co.uk I go west here: Kitty Le Roy’s Wild West I talk to mates and share here: Facebook Jo Bennett I share my posts here: Facebook Creating My Odyssey I jaw with western folks here: Facebook Kitty Le Roy’s Wild West Saloon I tweet here: Twitter Jo Clutton I post some of my umpteen zillion photos here: Instagram JMClutton I find interesting folk to exchange notes with here: Linkedin Jo Clutton I pin loads of images here: Pinterest

    On Mon, Aug 7, 2017 at 1:21 PM, Dearest Someone, wrote:

    > Ella Robson posted: “Over the past month I’ve found myself thinking a lot > about what to write, and I guess it shows a little in the posts I published > before this. I think I’ve been worried about repeating myself, or > publishing blog posts that are all too similar to ones I’ve ” >

    Like

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