Over the past month I’ve found myself thinking a lot about what to write, and I guess it shows a little in the posts I published before this. I think I’ve been worried about repeating myself, or publishing blog posts that are all too similar to ones I’ve published before – but I think this reflects a lot of what’s been going on in my life recently.
I’ve been incredibly frustrated over the past month or so about saying the same things, and doing the same things – I feel that it must be annoying for those who support me that I’m seemingly stuck in a loop and unsure of how to get out of it. It’s made it harder for me to open up and be honest to my mental health team as I’m very aware (or at least it feels that way for me) that I’m consistently showing up and presenting the same thoughts, beliefs and actions. The thought that if I’m fed up others must be fed up is constantly on loop in my mind – and it’s very hard to shake that thought.
When I was driving into work this morning I was thinking about the phrase ‘creature of habit’ – I guess we’re all ‘creatures of habit’ (though I spent a little time thinking about the word creature – why don’t we just say point blankly that as humans we like to do the same things if those things make us comfortable?) I drive the same way into work every day, though I like to shake things up a little in the evenings – if I want to listen to a new music playlist I’ve made I drive the long way – so I can sit in traffic and listen to music (true story), but if I want to get home faster I drive a different route. I do things differently depending on my mood and depending on the circumstances, but although I do things differently I still deal with them in a way that feels comfortable to me.
But what if feeling comfortable isn’t necessarily the healthiest of things? I can’t tell you the amount of times I’ve seen the phrase ‘life begins at the end of your comfort zone’ popping up all over social media, or someone reciting it back to me as if it’s gunna change everything. I’m fully aware that if I want things to change then I need to change things, even if it’s the tiniest of steps – and that’s why I get frustrated when I think and feel the same thoughts and emotions, over and over. I feel embarrassed and ashamed to say the same things, I feel silly for not being able to change things, or to suddenly go from making change to being stuck in the same bloody loop of feeling rubbish, not being able to talk about it, and not knowing what to do in order to move forward. It doesn’t help when people around you are going through big changes in their lives – I love my friends and family, and I’m incredibly pleased and proud of them, but it of course makes me question where I’m at – what’s going on for me?
It’s not all doom and gloom, I know I’m fortunate to have lovely friends, and a strong support system, I have a good job, wonderful housemates, plenty of cats that like to come visit, and I’m in a position where I have control over my life. But still, all the negative thoughts weave their way into my life, and it’s pretty hard to silence them at times. I know half the time it’s all rubbish, but if I’m tired, or stressed or there’s a lot going on then it’s harder to acknowledge that maybe my thoughts aren’t truths. It’s the sheer panic when I sit down and feel as though I can’t change anything, or I feel as though I haven’t changed anything in a while – even though I have, and although I’ve felt that way before it still feels as though I have no idea how to handle things. Though I get by pretty much by winging it, I think we all do – I do have people who are willing to listen to me repeatedly saying the same things – but what upsets me the most is that their responses, their thoughts and their perspective on things is always incredibly supportive, it always helps – but if they have to keep saying the same things to me then I don’t want them to feel as though I’m not listening, and to feel as though it’s pointless trying to ‘get through to me’.
I feel as if I’m stuck in a loop, that I can get out of but every now and then it sucks me back in, and I’m left saying the same things – and the more I get sucked back in the harder it feels to talk about things to others.