Dearest Someone, I feel like I’m failing.

Dearest Someone,

I feel like I’m failing. I know there are times in our life when we feel like all we do is fail, yet lately I feel like I cannot shake this feeling of failure. I’ve recently won a very prestigious award, one that offers me opportunities beyond belief, whilst also securing a fantastic opportunity debating something at a national level.

People expect me to be happy, I am proud – yet shame and worthlessness sweep over me, I feel like failure has wrapped me up and is taking over my mind. My mind is cloudy, and this feeling seems to be staying. I am incredibly proud of myself though, I just wish that I could stay aware of this feeling 24/7.

The purpose of this message is to show others that despite my success my PTSD has a hold over me, I am proud, yet I am still struggling, quick fixes (such as a success) doesn’t cure mental illness. Though I feel that my friends may seem to be oblivious to this, no matter how supportive and wonderful they are.

I’m hoping that if I write about my PTSD here then maybe I can start to unwrap what feels like a blanket of shame, pain and worthlessness that is taking me over during my proudest, and everyday moments.

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10 comments

  1. Shame and worthlessness are inevitable when dealing with PTSD. Really good you can name it then perhaps you will be better able to tame it. It has worked for me over the last number of years. I feel I have moved beyond the shame. It peaks its head every so often but I acknowledge it and move on. Congratulations on your awards and I am glad you are feeling pride. Sometimes it is about holding both feelings shame and pride.

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    • Learning how to label and acknowledge your emotions is so huge. It makes it easier for you to simply accept that it is happening but take a step back so you don’t fall into the emotion or spend time fighting the emotion. It is when you do either of those things when it takes over your life.

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  2. Despite spending 3 months in a residential PTSD program and working trough my demons, my PTSD still has a presence in my life. The anxiety, the nightmares, the hyper-vigilance will probably never leave me. What is worse than all those is the fact that my disorder drove my one and true love away. I became so trapped in my
    Own head that I was unable to be present for anyone else. My disorder will haunt me forever, however, I still have hope for a better life. One day I will be happy again, I am determined to make that a reality! Hang in there okay? Happiness awaits you too, don’t give
    Up

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  3. I have just started on this long and winding road and reading a post like this gives me hope that even though I may have my negative days from time to time, I can still look forward to those successes. Thank you!

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    • Thank-you very much for this comment! It’s made me reflect on how far I’ve come ha! It’s stressful – that I can promise you! But the one way to approach things is that you’re here and you’ve pulled through whatever it is that’s led to this – so keep plodding on! Life is a ball of fun haha – document your low and happy times and then one day you can look back and realise how strong you are πŸ™‚

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  4. Perhaps it is the very fact that you accomplished something you can be proud of that accentuated your feelings of shame. I may be way out in left field, but a lot of times when I do something I can be proud of or if someone else is proud of me, I feel ashamed because there is a part of me that does not accept that I can do things that are worthy of other peoples’ notice.

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    • You are definitely summing up me perfectly there – in fact, I had a session today where this was one of the main things we discussed (I know this is highly personal) but it was the first time I’d really acknowledged that to someone else other than myself – because I felt ashamed of feeling ashamed.

      When I achieve things and others acknowledge it I then feel ashamed and it’s horribly frustrating, but at the same time more recently I have begun to feel proud of myself (which feels like the first time in a long time.) So it really is a mixture of feelings, but I know that I’m growing and I still have bad mood-swings so to say, but I’m plodding along! I hope that you are doing okay too πŸ™‚

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      • Growing is always good. When I feel like I’m not making enough progress or not progressing fast enough, I remind myself of how far I’ve come in my fight and that usually helps ease some of the frustration I’m feeling. I just want everything to be done right now, lol, which is never the way it works. So definitely good for you for acknowledging and growing! =) Stay well.

        Liked by 1 person

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