(TW) Today: Fighting self-destruction.

I wish I could cry, I wish I could be angry at one thing, I wish I knew what on earth was going on in my head – but instead I’m left feeling some sort of weird surge of emotion (that never seems to go away). The only cure is pain – yet pain is the reason I feel like this? Surely?

Honestly, I have no idea what’s going on, and I have no idea how to stop feeling like this. Mainly because I have no idea what I’m feeling – and now I feel like such a loser for writing this haha, but I’m hoping that some wonderful person in the WordPress, or Twitter world will be able to relate and tell me that I’m not completely losing my mind (irony/pun/blah blah not intended).

I woke up feeling angry, yet happy, yet knackered (yay). Background info: I’ve been having a rough week (as per usual haha) but this week has been more of a week where I’ve actually been able to recognise emotions/coping techniques etc. Now I’m left with a weird anger toward myself… 1) For feeling this way. 2) For coping with things the way I have. 3) For letting things get to me, when I should just be able to function normally. (Whatever that is).

I am going to be completely honest, because I think I need to be here… even if nobody reads this, I know I need to admit to myself what I am doing ha. Today I have been really really really struggling with fighting the overpowering urge to binge eat… and I’m talking like waking up at 9AM with the horrendous desire/need to go to the nearest shop, stock up on food and eat it all (then most likely do it all again at all other proposed meal times throughout the day.) Fortunately I managed to prevent a binge this time (though I’m still struggling right now with going to a shop – it’s gunna be a long day!)

After a pretty rough episode of eating/being ill last night I promised myself that I would be good to myself today – and the thought of food made me feel pretty rough – yet here I am fighting some weird overbearing need to eat all the food in the world.

Blaaaaahhhhh to life haha!

(P.S: I know I can get through this… just gotta keep plodding along.)

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