Full speed ahead, low times in my head…

This world is a crazy place – that I’m sure of. Where I will be in a years time is a complete mystery (so so cheesy I know). If I’ve learnt anything over the past year it’s that nothing goes to plan, and that’s actually not a bad thing.

I strive to work hard, and I strive to not let anyone down – I cannot please everyone, nobody can – but I know not to treat people in a manner that is disrespectful, so I strive to do my best in every situation – most of all I strive not to hurt anyone. Yet I am hurting like crazy. That’s not anyone’s fault but mine? Surely? 

It’s very easy to push our personal matters and feelings to the deep dark depths of our mind – and it’s very easy to block things out – for me this leads to an ongoing frustration and hatred toward myself. Of course, pretty much 70% of the time I know that I’m being silly, and I know that it’s perfectly acceptable to be feeling low, stuck, scared and ‘damaged’ after a traumatic experience – yet life keeps throwing amazing opportunities at me and I find myself having to make ridiculous decisions.

When a friend or colleague is in need – or wants to talk something through I don’t think twice – I listen and I try to offer them guidance (if I can). However, it’s so much harder to do that for myself. I work and study in an industry that is really pretty damn exciting – and I have friends and support around me that is incredible. I am very very fortunate to be offered opportunities that my ten year old self could have never dreamt of. Life is going ahead at full speed which is great, though I feel that the time is right for recovery. 

I’ve worked hard professionally and I’ve worked hard personally – PTSD is a daily battle (much like all mental health conditions). Earlier this year I really truly believed that I’d started to kick my mental health’s butt – and I still believe that I have, however recently things have become pretty tough. This time it’s different, this time it’s like Harry Potter vs. Voldemort intense. I’ve felt like giving up a lot lately – which of course means I’d be able to grab the opportunities that have been thrown my way, but I know that in terms of my health that would be ridiculous. I know now that I have to tackle things in my head, in my past and in the present – I need to tackle them fully. I need to learn, I need to accept my emotions and I need to grow. 

The opportunities that I’m having thrown my way are pretty much once in a life time – what dreams are made of opportunities – and I’ve come to the conclusion that they are here to remind me what life is capable of. Life can be dark, intense and horrendously tough, but it can also be spectacular, surreal and ridiculously amazing – and it can be both of these levels at exactly the same time. Which is confusing, crazy, exciting and challenging – but hell – if I’ve come this far then surely I can battle on!

Go be awesome…

🙂

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