Dearest mind, I’m really out of touch with your ups and downs at the moment; one minute I’m allowing myself to get used to the idea of things being okay and you decide to change direction suddenly and harshly. I think a lot of my dealing with things depends on me being able to make sense of what’s going on, and a lot of my frustration comes from shifts in mood that are seemingly for no reason. I accepted a long time ago that there would be ups and downs, but that never meant I was okay with it. Coming through a period where everything was intensely rubbish for a long time meant that it was harder for me to deal with feeling okay. It’s easy to slip back into ‘everything is crap’ mode, but it feels as though a part of me is fighting for things to be crap, and the other part is clasping desperately to that feeling of being okay.
I’ve learnt to try and sit with my feelings, and to just accept them, let them pass and move on, but it still feels very superficial. I find it difficult, and embarrassing that I struggle with emotion, and I find it highly frustrating that I’m not ‘normal.’ Each morning I spend a good hour contemplating just hiding away from the world, but I know that would lead me toward a feeling of hopelessness; it would make things worse – it would make me feel as though I can’t even deal with daily tasks, so how on earth would I be able to deal with feeling low? If I stay in bed, if I try to block out the world it would leave me alone in my head, and things would get worse. So I get on with things, and I do have an ace time living my life, going to work, hanging out with friends, doing new things, but still at the end of each day my mind is there to judge, to highlight everything that went wrong, or could have gone wrong, and I face the same battle the following day about whether to go out and face the world or not.
It’s frustrating, I’m ‘functioning’ in every other element of my life, I’m surrounded by wonderful people, but my mind is my enemy, and it always tries to see the negative in things. It always succeeds in seeing the negative in everything. I know that changing my perspective, focusing on the positive, focusing on things I’m grateful for would help ease the negativity, but I’m never quick enough. As soon as I’m alone, or as soon as my minds gets a spare moment it takes over, it forces me to focus on the negative. It brings back memories, thoughts and feelings, it teams up with my body too, making me lethargic, teary at times, and even likes to bring palpitations into the party. So then I can’t function, I feel obliged to sit, out of courtesy, in this mindset, waiting for the party to end. The aftermath is much like a hangover, I can go about my daily life, but the remnants of the party edge their way into my everyday goings about – I continue to feel tired, I get agitated, when I’m alone I have feelings of regret, and sometimes, much like a hangover, I have to sit and watch ‘easy going’ films, cry into a bowl of ice cream, or sleep like there’s no tomorrow.
There’s no fear of missing out in terms of these parties my mind likes to throw, but there’s always pressure between continuing with the party, or just walking away, going to sleep, ignoring the festivities and feeling a little fresher the following day. Much like parties with real humans, where you have to choose between one more drink, or going home to sleep – whatever you choose ultimately impacts how you’re going to feel after the party. Do I allow my brain to continue chucking negative thoughts at me, or do I just tell it to let me rest, and to let me go and recover ready for the following day? Sometimes I have no choice, sometimes I get so caught up in the festivities that my mind gets to keep providing me with crap thoughts and feelings, other times I know and am able to shut it down, and give myself time to rest. Other times my mind doesn’t even feel like hosting, it can’t gather up enough negative thoughts, it doesn’t get the flow quite right, and I’m able to stop myself from getting absorbed by all the negativity.
I guess what’s going on with my mind really is comparable to throwing a party; sometimes I’ll have a wild night, other times it’s chilled and relaxed, and sometimes it get’s so out of control, that maybe we do have to phone someone to help shut it down. (Thanks brain).
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