After a fantastic weekend full of good food and great company I’m reflecting on the past week. My mood is much like a yo-yo, I had to make some pretty big decisions this week – some of which left me feeling completely lost (but music, and unexpected people helped me out of a pretty rough/odd time.) I think it’s very strange when you finally accept/realise that you can no longer keep up with some things – or this instance, some people – for the past month or so I’ve been going with the flow. Something which is perfectly normal – but, it was making me incredibly unhappy.
When I look back on how rough things were this time last year, before I was diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress and Anxiety, I cannot believe how hard things have been and how many challenges life has thrown at me.
For me there have been three severely traumatic experiences that have largely affected my life – it wasn’t until ten months ago that I began to accept this and start the difficult journey of dealing with the consequences. I’ve been fairly open with my friends, and those close to me, so dealing with the first traumatic experience – though it is still very painful – I am finally able to see things from a different perspective. The second, I have opened my mind to those whom I trust; I feel much better, and my perspective of the event has altered. However – the third, possibly the most prominent trauma for me is something which I have never really spoke about, or allowed myself to understand.
In the past month I have spoken about this traumatic experience in detail for the first time – something which I still cannot make sense of. I have no idea about anything – when it comes to this experience, and even writing this is terrifying for me. The point I’m trying to make (yet failing ha) is that the past year has been extremely painful, yet ridiculously good for me. I never would have been able to open up like I have this past month if I hadn’t battled my demons in the ways that I have this year.
That third event – the one that I’m gunna give some Voldemort-esque name: ‘The-Event-That-Shall-Not-Be-Discussed’ has had a huge impact on my life. I’ve just realised mid-typing that this event happened seven years ago (something which I always forget) and the second event happened three years ago – so make of that what you wish. I find it difficult to comprehend what happened – it’s hurtful when you realise how oblivious you have been to an experience – it’s even more hurtful when you realise you’ve blocked it out of your memory and it’s blocked you from living certain aspects of your life.
Yet, on a more positive note – I am in a place (cheesy) where I can begin dealing with this now, a place that just a year ago seemed far beyond reach. I still have mood swings – incredible mood swings – I can switch from happy to a severe-low mood in the space of five minutes. The numbness / blurry mindset has returned – which is ridiculously annoying when I’ve worked so hard to try and stop this, but I have to admit – I’m feeling a hell of a lot more positive, as I know I’ve already dealt with so much. The tough thing is having to admit that I cannot stop this yo-yo-type mindset – sometimes I lose a full day, and then the next day I’m feeling over the moon. It’s very tiring haha, and it’s very tricky because I don’t like to tell people that I’ve been having a rough time, so at times I feel like I’m just plodding along.
But – I know how much I have conquered this year, and how I’ve started to open up to others (simple, but this is something which is unbelievably hard for me.) So I hope to continue working to make myself a better person. Sometimes for me it’s frustrating that I feel I’m learning and re-teaching myself how to have a simple conversation with someone, without panicking or talking complete crap because I’m overwhelmed – this feels like something that is normal. In my eyes I’m trying to learn how to be normal – which sounds stupid, and it’s very frustrating – but hey, my motto at the moment seems to be: whats life without a little challenge?
Lets hope I can keep plodding along.