I have flu real bad! However, I am really feeling good – it’s great, it seems like it’s been a while since I’ve had faith in myself but something seems to have shifted and I’m loving it. Albeit it’s only been a day since I’ve had this mini-change, however I’m rolling with it.
Flu has pretty much stopped me from doing anything, I must admit I’m finding it pretty hilarious how I can handle quite a lot but flu is just too much for me to handle! I’ve slept a lot today, but last night sleep was a myth – so, at 4AM I decided to create a few lists, and write down a few things – I was feeling rubbish because of the flu, yet I was in an oddly weird mood, and fortunately this mood has carried on into the day. (And fortunately I’ve managed to get some sleep.)
4AM Flu-induced Ella decided to make a list of rules… I’ve been battling a long lately, fighting what feels like one of the toughest battles I’ve had (cheesy), and a few times it really has been too much, and it’s certainly felt like there’s no escape. Yet, two nights ago 3AM Ella (awake thanks to the little monster that is my cat – and the awful weather) had a bit of an ‘eureka! moment’. I was reflecting on this last night, and here’s what I scribbled into one of my many notepads…
‘I had a weird way of seeing things at like 3AM yesterday –> I suddenly visioned a wall. or a shield or something seemingly fragile, made of glass or ice, or something fragile (yet strong) and all it needed was one run and push (headbutt) and I was there. I was through and it had shattered to a lot of small fragments, pieces. Some came with me but most stayed –> + as cheesy as this seems I really believed that I could make it through whatever this is.’
Excuse how weirdly it is written (it was 4AM, and I had taken a lot of flu medication!) But something has changed, and I’ve found some form of strength / hope that I was really in need of. And though the battle is still ongoing for the first time in a while it feels like I may be able to win this.
Waiting Game
A few weeks ago I was referred to a new mental health trust, admittedly things have been pretty low lately – and it’s been a very debilitating battle, I am a strong human (I believe that now) – and I’ve been very lucky to have people support me, even when I didn’t ask them. I struggle to ask for help, and I really needed it – those in my existing support network noticed this, even when I didn’t and I am so so incredibly thankful that they offered me support, and offered me a safe place to speak. I’ve been incredibly vulnerable lately – but I didn’t want to admit it as it’s been a long battle, however this time around I couldn’t stop everything from coming to the surface. Things went back to being pretty dark, yet I was still plodding along trying to do things as usual – I went overboard with work (which was great as I got stuff done) however it meant when I was left alone things were really intense. Intense thoughts, flashbacks, reliant on coping strategies and all that jazz.
I had a meeting arranged for today but the prospect of leaving my bed and making it to this appointment seemed pretty impossible (flu is fun yay) and fortunately (for me) the meeting was cancelled. I’m not sure why the meeting was cancelled, and have been cancelled for the next few weeks (I hope all is okay with my adviser!) However, I also received a letter saying I’d have to wait until June to have my first appointment with a different individual – normally I’d be really annoyed by this, as waiting times suck! But… I also wrote this in me little notepad this morning:
N.B: It’s a very small notepad…
Also… minus ten points for spelling ‘separate’ wrong (it was 4am)…
My life really has been taken over by PTSD/recovery lately, which I know at times I don’t have a choice… and it’s been both positive and negative… but I need to take some time to chill, to reflect on things and to just be human again. Self-care I believe is the correct phrase to use here – I need to be kind to myself. I’ve been struggling, however I’ve been very angry at myself for struggling. And I shouldn’t do this. As I am often reminded – it is okay to struggle, and it is perfectly acceptable to experience what I am experiencing, I have every right to have PTSD (of course I wish I didn’t) but it’s not my fault. I can’t just switch it off – and trust me everyday I wish that I could. However, I am going to take the next few weeks to try and focus my attention on something else – it’s been fantastic talking about things, being offered the possibility of talking therapy, and new treatment, however I need to pay attention to myself. I am very good at trying to figure things out, and I am very good at ignoring my struggles yet being consumed by them. And it’s difficult, it’s exhausting and I kinda wanna just be able to worry about standard things – like what colour socks to wear, rather than crazy wild things (oh and fearing my own mind.)
Dearest Someone, 