So, everything sucks and there doesn’t seem to be a way out, other than to trudge on through the highs and lows, on what seems like some crazy-tough-life-is-going-to-throw-everything-at-you expedition. The thing is, life already has thrown ‘everything’ at me… and whatever I’m faced with now will only be half the size of what I’ve already experienced, right?
Laaaawd I bloody hope so.
I’m really hating everything today, I’m angry at everything for absolutely no reason. Yesterday was ace – I’m talking ‘the world is glorious and nothing will ever get me down’ ace, yet today just downright sucks. Everything sucks, the fact that it’s sunny sucks, the fact that it’s quiet sucks, the fact that I have the best tasting caramel latte sucks. Life sucks. (I know that this is just a mood, and that everything actually doesn’t suck – but right now it feels like nothing is ever gunna change.) It feels like in front of me there is this huge, horrendous mountain, full of just me. Full of everything I have to battle through (and it will be a kicking and screaming matter), I have a hell of a lot of things that I need to tackle, and the time is now, and it sucks.
Self-respect is completely different to self-love and self-care if you ask me. I have respect for myself, hell I’ve had to battle with some crazy things (no dragons unfortunately). I know we all have to deal with things, things that are surreal and seemingly not even fathomable… but that’s when I think you can sit there and announce that everything sucks. But, at the end of the day, the brutal honest truth is that only you can win your battles, you can get support and inspiration (you can talk and blog about it) as much as you like, but you are that person who has to put that shaky, nervous foot in front of the other…
You can hold someones hand, you can have faith in others, but ultimately you need to have faith in yourself. You are the foundation of your journey – it’s not what life throws at you, it’s how you deal with it. I’m rambling in total ultimate cheesy form here… but it’s true. I know that I am capable of doing a lot (I often joke that if we went back to caveman times then I’d be one hell of an awesome lady). I am a strong little human, with huge feet and a big heart. I’ve been hurt many times in the past (we all have) and I’m having to live with things, and deal with things daily that I really don’t want to have to even think of. But I’ve learnt in the past that ignoring things and going full-speed ahead simply doesn’t work. I’ve never wanted anything more than my need to get through this – right now I am determined, and everything I have and everything I wish for is to fight through this damn awful state of rubbish. (Rubbish here being: the darkness, the intenseness, the self-hate, the ups and downs, the desperation to find something to cling onto, the feeling of being on the edge, and needing to break down.) If I don’t sit with this ‘suckiness’ now then I know, and I am 100% certain that I never will. This is certainly the last push for me, and it hurts so so much, just as things in my life are starting to slip into place everything is tumbling down. Except it’s not, it just feels like it is. And if I could put half the energy I put into my everyday professional life into fighting these personal battles then I know that I’ll be onto something good.
But honestly, nothing has ever sucked as much as it sucks right now.
(but I’ve got this.)
Here’s some cheesy photos I found on Pinterest, which are actually really ace: