Sunday evening, about 8pm, and I’m on the bathroom floor, desperately trying to stay conscious. I have no idea what brought this on, why I can barely stand, and why I’m feeling incredibly ill. But, I know that stuff like this passes, so I sit it out (lay it out/cry it out), for the past five minutes or so I’ve managed to not pass out, but I’ve also managed to somehow end up on the floor on the brink of losing my consciousness while thinking far too much. Although it’s quite clear that I am not well I’m actually sitting there repeatedly saying ‘this is my fault’, ‘how on earth have I done this,’ ‘what an idiot.’ I still have no idea why what happened earlier happened, and I still – quite honestly – feel like crap.
This weekend has been a concoction of sleep, laughter, illness and more sleep. I started noticing that I felt ill Friday, which I put down to anxiety and not paying much attention to my diet. Then yesterday, mid-pub lunch with my housemates I really started to feel ill, I struggled to eat (which is unusual for me); I was sitting in the lavatory trying not to pass out after I’d decided I needed to splash some cold water on my face, thankfully I felt a lot better and we decided to hit the shops before returning back to the house… I then had to scurry off home with my housemates because I really felt ill, my housemates – the lovely eggs that they are – came home with me, whacked on some Christmas films and we had a nice lazy Saturday. Then today (Sunday) I could barely keep my eyes open… it got to about 7pm and I’d been in bed all day – apart from moments where I ate food and attempted to socialise (I also definitely binged today, after doing so well yesterday, which is incredibly frustrating). I decided to shower – showering always makes life better, I quite like taking cold showers as I find them great in calming you down / calming down my anxiety – as I was still (somehow) tired and a little annoyed at myself for wasting my day I thought a shower seemed at least a little productive. But apparently that was a big mistake… though at least my hair is silky smooth now… so if I do lose my consciousness again tonight then at least my hair will be all nice.
Having cold showers may seem a little strange, but honestly cold showers remind me of the sea… water is the one thing that can instantly soothe me, the sea, swimming, rivers, waterfalls, baths, showers – all that kind of stuff washes away any hint of a bad or low mood. I’m very temperamental with rain, in fact I think rain can at times terrify me… which obviously isn’t very useful in terms of trying to relax, but at times I do find rain to be quite soothing (especially if I’m outside… I love rain when I’m outside camping or something like that).
The shower I had earlier wasn’t particularly hot, in fact it was edging on ‘cold’ because I wanted to have a nice cold shower and then curl up in my warm bed… which is why I was more shocked than scared when I started to lose my consciousness. I went light headed at first, but I know the warning signs that my body throw at me, and I knew that this was an ‘Ella is going to pass out’ moment rather than an ‘Ella is a little dizzy’ moment. The thing is I couldn’t move because I felt so ill – chucking a towel on the floor and doing my best fish-out-of-water impression was my only option…
Thankfully I feel a lot better now, though I did struggle to function for a bit. I have no idea what brought this on… but I’m off to the Doctors tomorrow, so I’ll see what they say. It really really has been an eventful few weeks, and I cannot wait to have a few weeks off at Christmas – I plan to read endless books, hug my cat and not leave my bed for a good few days!