Oh the lovely dichotomy of anxiety. Only a cruel, annoying illness can leave you desperately wanting support while wishing everyone would just leave you alone and that the world would just swallow you up whole.
My mood’s been fairly ‘off’ lately… in the sense that I’ve been acting differently, and everything seems a billion times more intense than the normal intensity of things. However, this time everything can be traced back to me. My mood, my current workload, my current social life and all that jazz is all my fault. I’ve been riding the storm (so to say) in terms of my mood, I’ve had a few big changes to my medication, which undoubtedly has caused a little backlash, but I definitely feel that these changes are for the better… so I’ve decided to carry on with this new dosage. I’m scared that if I continue on a high dosage of medication then I will somehow become immune to it – or reliant on it. I want to be able to control my own emotions, my own mental health. Which is one of the reasons why mental illness can be, at times, so incredibly frustrating.
I want to be able to deal with things on my own, but I’m very aware that others are there to help me, to support me and to guide me. But I feel silly that I can’t control things myself. My mental health is making me feel weak, which… if anyone going through similar things ever said to me I’d tell them immediately that mental illness doesn’t make you weak, if anything mental illness pushes you, it tests your resilience and enables you to widen your threshold in terms of things that you can ‘deal with.’
There’s only so many times you can try and convince yourself that you are ‘wonderful’ before it becomes incredibly hard to believe. I know I’m ace at certain things, but apparently when it comes to dealing with things (mental health) I suck. Yes I’ve coped with a lot of things, but… I’m still having to deal with things, and it’s grown to become incredibly frustrating. I wish mental illness was something you could just push away, (or something that didn’t exist).
My current feelings towards my mental health: