It’s so easy to not think, to block things out with food. But, food doesn’t do me any favours. I have a very unhealthy relationship with food, it’s something that I really struggle to talk about, to think about, and it’s definitely something I don’t want to acknowledge. In fact, much like everything in my life at the moment, I can’t understand why my relationship with food is the way it is. I can pinpoint various moments in my life when I wish I could prevent myself from overeating, as I feel that these moments were pivotal in developing such a negative relationship toward something that should sustain and better my wellbeing.
Overeating, under-eating and all that jazz when it comes to food seems to be one of the many unhealthy coping strategies that I’ve developed. Food, in general, seems to be the one thing that can really push me into a wave of low mood, and can leave me feeling very negative about myself. I can go through periods of being very restrictive, to eating far too much, to desperately trying to lose weight, to not being able to control my eating. I think at the moment I’m in the ‘lets be healthy’ part of the cycle, but, as things have been very intense in terms of my mood and health I’ve found myself overeating and feeling very very annoyed and ashamed. I’ve also found myself desperately trying to plan ways to overcome eating small amounts of what I perceive to be ‘bad’ foods, such as a packet of crisps – logically (yet very un-logically) I quickly manage to plan out ways to ‘burn off’ the bad food, or to ‘make up’ for eating bad foods.
It’s a form of self-sabotage (in my eyes), but it’s also the case that I simply ‘lose control’, of my mind and of my ability to stop things (such as overeating). And, I just cannot focus my mind, during a binge, however, after all I can focus on is how much I shouldn’t have eaten what I ate. Ironically the past few days I haven’t been too bad with food, though today has been particularly tough as I started the day with eating ‘bad’ foods, and continued throughout the day. However, in comparison to periods in the past where my control of eating ‘normally’ has been so out of the window, that I literally don’t even understand how food works, I seem to be doing alright at the moment. But, I think, as I’m having a very difficult (terrifying) time of things currently I seem to find it easy to focus on how I shouldn’t have ate that packet of crisps earlier, and how that cup of coffee is going to destroy me. (Makes perfect sense, ha).
I think I’ve just been in need of a way to block things out, to push my current emotions, thoughts and all that stuff to waaaay below the surface, and eating badly gives me something to punish myself over. It gives me something to focus on, and stress over, when everything else is too hard and too painful.
Interestingly I’ve never been able to write about my relationship with food – it’s always been something that has just been too difficult to acknowledge, but right now my problems with eating/food etc. seem insignificant, compared to whatever it is that’s going on in my mind right now!
——–
For more information on eating disorders, and support contacts please check out Beat, the UK’s leading charity supporting anyone affected by eating disorders: https://www.b-eat.co.uk/support-services
Dearest Someone 
I tell people that I overeat to fill that hole. That hole my emotions create in the pit of my stomach that I desperately want to fill. I never realized how bad my anxiety was linked with my overeating until a few months ago. I received a call that my sister was dying and I needed to get there as soon as possible. (there is Florida, here is California.) As soon as I hung up the phone I started gorging. The next day, before I could get a flight I received the call that she had died. Again, after hanging up, I went straight to the refrigerator. This time I was aware of what was happening. I had an Aha moment where I realized I was going to gorge myself to bury my emotions. I knew exactly that is what was happening and I did it anyway. It’s been a constant struggle my entire life.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m so sorry to hear about your sister, that can’t have been easy at all. I definitely overeat when my emotions are being tested, it really is a struggle. I think for me I find it tricky partly because being able to eat ‘normally’ should just be a standard human thing, but my relationship with food is just so complicated, I don’t know if you can relate? Even though I know how painful food can make things I’ve still not figured out a way to manage eating around my emotions (and personal image/self-esteem).
LikeLike
Thank you for your condolences. I most definitely can relate.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I completely understand this love/hate food relationship, mine is very similar. I have this strategy that if I feel like having something I’ll enjoy it in the moment then bitterly regret it once I’m full. Also find it very difficult to talk about eating problems because it seems to have come out of nowhere. I hope therapy helps with yours, I’m hoping psychotherapy will get to the cause of my behaviours. Good luck x
LikeLiked by 1 person
I definitely find it tricky to talk about! I’m having therapy at the moment but not directly for food, though we are working on it! X
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s always worth bringing up! X
LikeLiked by 1 person
I found this article in a time when I really need it. Thank you for sharing your experience! Since my depression got worse I also found myself in this love-hate relationship with food. I am currently experiencing struggling to feed myself properly, but a couple of months ago I have experienced the over eating stage as well.
Thanks again for sharing this!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks for your comment, I’m glad you can relate (but also wish that you couldn’t, because being able to relate means that you’re going through a tricky time too!) Thank-you for reading, I wish you all the best! 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dear Ella,
Thank you so much for sharing this; so many of us are struggling with food and so few dare to talk about it. I’m curious whether you’ve been able to find some balance lately? I hope you’ve been able regain some control. Also, I wanted to say that finding and reading your blog is my favourite event of today! Thank you for all your sincere and encouraging writings, I wish you all the best,
Ana
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank-you Ana 🙂 I managed to find some balance for a good few months but I must admit that things have definitely been rocky again over the past few weeks – I had a hospital admission because I was feeling very low and I think that triggered some pretty intense food stuff, but I’m trying to regain control again! Thankyou so much for this comment and for reading my blog 🙂
LikeLike