It’s so easy to not think, to block things out with food. But, food doesn’t do me any favours. I have a very unhealthy relationship with food, it’s something that I really struggle to talk about, to think about, and it’s definitely something I don’t want to acknowledge. In fact, much like everything in my life at the moment, I can’t understand why my relationship with food is the way it is. I can pinpoint various moments in my life when I wish I could prevent myself from overeating, as I feel that these moments were pivotal in developing such a negative relationship toward something that should sustain and better my wellbeing.
Overeating, under-eating and all that jazz when it comes to food seems to be one of the many unhealthy coping strategies that I’ve developed. Food, in general, seems to be the one thing that can really push me into a wave of low mood, and can leave me feeling very negative about myself. I can go through periods of being very restrictive, to eating far too much, to desperately trying to lose weight, to not being able to control my eating. I think at the moment I’m in the ‘lets be healthy’ part of the cycle, but, as things have been very intense in terms of my mood and health I’ve found myself overeating and feeling very very annoyed and ashamed. I’ve also found myself desperately trying to plan ways to overcome eating small amounts of what I perceive to be ‘bad’ foods, such as a packet of crisps – logically (yet very un-logically) I quickly manage to plan out ways to ‘burn off’ the bad food, or to ‘make up’ for eating bad foods.
It’s a form of self-sabotage (in my eyes), but it’s also the case that I simply ‘lose control’, of my mind and of my ability to stop things (such as overeating). And, I just cannot focus my mind, during a binge, however, after all I can focus on is how much I shouldn’t have eaten what I ate. Ironically the past few days I haven’t been too bad with food, though today has been particularly tough as I started the day with eating ‘bad’ foods, and continued throughout the day. However, in comparison to periods in the past where my control of eating ‘normally’ has been so out of the window, that I literally don’t even understand how food works, I seem to be doing alright at the moment. But, I think, as I’m having a very difficult (terrifying) time of things currently I seem to find it easy to focus on how I shouldn’t have ate that packet of crisps earlier, and how that cup of coffee is going to destroy me. (Makes perfect sense, ha).
I think I’ve just been in need of a way to block things out, to push my current emotions, thoughts and all that stuff to waaaay below the surface, and eating badly gives me something to punish myself over. It gives me something to focus on, and stress over, when everything else is too hard and too painful.
Interestingly I’ve never been able to write about my relationship with food – it’s always been something that has just been too difficult to acknowledge, but right now my problems with eating/food etc. seem insignificant, compared to whatever it is that’s going on in my mind right now!
For more information on eating disorders, and support contacts please check out Beat, the UK’s leading charity supporting anyone affected by eating disorders: https://www.b-eat.co.uk/support-services