It’s tricky to make sense of things when your mind finds it very easy to push things away. One of my main (and most irritating, yet comforting) coping strategies is to dissociate, not intentionally of course, and I don’t know if I do dissociate in the same way as others, but dissociation seems to be the most relevant way to describe what my mind does when it’s under stress or when I’m experiencing discomfort.
Discomfort at the moment seems to be triggered from a lot of different situations and directions. I’ve been experiencing some pretty painful headaches, mixed in with two wisdom teeth that seem adamant to stress me out, along with ongoing psychology sessions (EMDR). So I have a lot to focus on, so of course, naturally I can’t focus on anything other than work. Work was quite hectic recently, however I was lucky enough to go home (parents home) and chill with the cat for a few days, which was certainly a much needed rest. This Monday was then one of them days where I couldn’t stop talking all day, because apparently I’d been sitting in silence for too long whilst at home.
When I’m really stressed, and feeling very uncomfortable I struggle very badly with talking. I can’t articulate what I’m feeling to others, whether that’s because I can’t think of words to describe or, on the other hand, more often than not, I know exactly what I want to say but no matter how hard I try words just don’t seem to move from my mind to my mouth. I then go deeper into my ‘phased out’ mode, where I struggle really hard to stay in control of me – I can’t control my thoughts, but I’ve been convinced by my psychologist that actually that’s okay, but I just really struggle, and get very stressed out about my inability to form words – or any sound. It’s incredibly frustrating, and upsetting, and I convince myself that I’m just wasting peoples time, and that actually I should just go crawl into a hole somewhere and hibernate forever. (That sounds a little dramatic I know, but the fear of disappointing others/not doing things right really does dominate my mind at times, and even more so when I’m with mental health professionals). That’s of course no negativity to them – I just really want to be able to make the most out of my sessions and get incredibly ashamed when I struggle. (Hopefully one day I’ll figure this all out ha!)
I think my inability to articulate things in my recovery to professionals and to my support network has definitely crept up and prevented me from blogging about my experiences, in fact I’m struggling myself to make sense of things at the moment, and trying to write things down seems terrifying. Maybe I don’t want to acknowledge certain things and maybe I don’t want people who know me to read certain things, or maybe I’m just very overwhelmed and hesitant to let my guard down, in fear that people will suddenly ask me if I need help, and apparently people being nice, and people offering to support me terrifies me. Ten points to my mental illness, it seems to be winning at the moment.