It’s the first day of Spring, which is pretty impressive – honestly I think I’ve plodded, waded and crawled through some odd, intense times over the past months (years to be exact, but that’s a whole other can of worms). I started a new job last October, which I love, and I’m really enjoying, at the same time I also started EMDR (eye movement desensitisation reprocessing) therapy, while trying to finish up my Masters degree. So, to be fair, it’s been a pretty intense few months, without the whole mental illness thing. I use the term ‘thing’ almost ironically, as my view of my struggles is apparently quite light-hearted right now. However, that’s because I’m being reflective, reflective of all the ups and downs (the horribly intense downs), the moments where I thought there was no possible way I could make it through the next hour, yet alone to Spring.
I’m incredibly proud of myself right now, though I know that sense of pride will quickly diminish into a self-mocking feeling of deep despair and hatred. In fact, I can feel that happening now, ha. Today alone has been full of ups and downs – the past two weeks or so I’ve gone through a multitude of feelings toward my body, i.e: my weight, and my body image. I’ve gone from exercising and eating well, to the complete opposite. A few things made the exercising a little tricky though – one of those things being that I successfully managed to collapse in the gym, once and almost twice. I think this may have been slightly due to changes in medication though, I certainly wasn’t over exerting myself, and I have a fairly strong body, so stuff like this doesn’t usually happen. So, naturally that sparked a whole wave of being frustrated at not being able to exercise, to seemingly losing control over my ability to know when to stop eating. Which provokes that horrid feeling of despair and a loss of control, which then leads into the whole self-hate. But to be fair I can’t even begin to picture a single day from the past seven years or so where I’ve actually liked the way I look, or not felt an overwhelming urge to lose weight. So yay to that.
Ironically, I’ve decided to do what is normally seen as a bad thing (and almost always never works for me), however I thought that maybe through declaring this on my blog, then maybe I’m more likely to actually try and battle through new beginnings. I’ve decided to use this ‘First Day of Spring’ thing to my advantage, and to view it as a chance to try and make a few changes. I’ve learnt that it’s okay to have bad days (I don’t think I’ve fully accepted this yet), but I will try my hardest to remind myself that if I do have bad days I can still move forward, I can keep going.
Naturally, the first thing I want to do is lose weight, to eat better, to be healthy… and so forth. However, I know that that’s maybe quite an unhealthy choice for me to aim to ‘lose weight’, so… I’m aiming to be healthier. To better nurture my body and my mind. I plan to do this through actually using the relaxation exercises that I should be doing daily – my psychologist gave me a CD to use, which I’m still trying to familiarise myself with, but admittedly I’ve not been using it much, so I’m going to aim to use it every day. I’m also going to actually try my hardest to stick to meal plans – this is one thing that I really want to do, but really don’t want to do. I want it to just automatically happen, I want to be able to eat ‘normally’. The food thing overwhelms me because, I want to be able to eat, to fuel my body, but I can’t control the urges to binge, and the horridness and aftermath of binge-eating, the aftermath always lead to the whole ‘I don’t want to eat’ thought process, and I’m hoping, praying that if I can start small (well, huge actually) by sticking to meal plans then maybe, just maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe I might be able to make a change. However, I’ve definitely failed at this before, but, this is where I need to remind myself that I can still move forward, it’s not the end, and though it may be a difficult journey, I can still move forward.
Also, I want to try and explore new things. I really enjoy learning, and uncovering new things. Depression doesn’t like that. Depression and anxiety likes solitude, and it likes to convince me never to leave the house, or to not even bother trying to find new things to do. Or, most frustratingly, it likes to cloud my ability to plan things, or to think things through coherently and logically, and I’m unable to actually do small, seemingly normal things like go out and socialise with my friends. Because I don’t have no friends, right? No one actually wants me in their company, and to go and explore new places and meet new people would just be awful, because everyone would be embarrassed of me. Complete strangers already hate me, why leave the safety and comfort of the things I am used to? But then, even the things I am used to aren’t doing me any favours; binge-eating, hiding away, hating myself, dwelling over the past. Wow, mental illness is incredibly fun.
It’s time to move forward.