Over the past week I’ve been dealing with a pretty nasty chest infection, but also the weird sense of needing to do something all day, everyday. Since I was discharged (even though I was only in hospital for a short period) I have found myself keeping busy pretty much 24/7. On the first day after my discharge I went into uni, picked up my car, went shopping, did loads of washing, tidied my room and made loads of mental lists – all while anxiety was battling for my headspace, and my mind didn’t know what or how to feel, so I just kept myself busy.
I think I’ve kept myself busy over the last week, just to avoid thinking about everything. Having a chest infection has oddly been a blessing in disguise, as it’s given me something to focus my energy on – it’s been a source of ‘feeling crap’ – it’s been something for me to blame on not feeling good, and most importantly… it’s been something for me to talk about to my Home Treatment Team, because I’m definitely not ready to face up to what’s really going on yet.
For the first few days back at work I only did the odd few hours, and had a lot of time ‘planning’ what I needed to do, but ever since Thursday my brain has been in ‘do things’ mode. In fact, I only walked through the door about ten minutes ago as I decided to stay late tonight to try and catch-up on some stuff. It’s all good me doing all this work, but what I am still 100% terrified of is when I face up to whatever it is that’s going on in my head.
It also means that whenever I’ve had time to just ‘be’ I’ve really really struggled, but I don’t know what it is that I’ve been struggling with. Every spare moment I’ve had I’ve found myself desperately trying to things to do, places to be or people to see – I’ve just been terrified of being alone, alone with myself, my not so wonderful thoughts, and my inability to see a way out of all the crap in my life. (Which really is non-existent, it’s all pretty self-inflicted I reckon).
I don’t know if I’ve built up some expectation of everything feeling very overwhelming, and too much for me to handle – but I am just so scared of facing up to what it is that I am feeling. I was obviously in a pretty crap place last week in order for me to have a stay in hospital – but I just don’t want to feel things right now. I guess part of the game my mind is playing is convincing myself that it’s too difficult to acknowledge what I’m feeling – but then again, it might actually be too much for me to handle – I don’t know, I’ve never been in this place before and I have no idea how to deal with it – and I guess I’m dealing with it in the best way that I can – by trying to block things out. But then, I know that I’m doing that – so I guess deep down a huge part of me knows that I’m trying to protect myself, but it also knows that it needs to figure things out.
I don’t know what there is to figure out, I don’t know if there is anything to figure out, and I don’t know if I am literally making all this up and just blowing things out of proportion. I just don’t know. But what I do know is that it all feels a little too much for me right now, and I am so grateful for the people who are there supporting me – because I think I’d be utterly terrified of my own feelings if I didn’t have such wonderful people in me life.