I feel a bit like a guest in my own life, I feel as though I’m sitting watching myself, observing my recovery, and waiting for a grand finale. It’s difficult to explain, my mind is a mess, but also perfectly clear. I feel as though I’m thinking coherently, and recovery is possible and everything is okay, and it’s the first I’ve felt this in a long time. I’ve not made that into a negative, which normally I’m very good at doing – but I also feel very strange. It’d be weird to break everything down into ‘parts’ because the overall sense of things at the moment is pretty positive, but there are parts of me that are apprehensive, slightly confused and questioning my thoughts, feelings and actions.
I guess that as someone who usually blocks things out, and gets on with stuff it does feel odd that I’m not doing that. I seem to be getting on with things, and working my way forward. But there is that doubtful thought process: questioning if I am actually dealing with things, versus the possibility that I could actually be blocking things out, and blocking things out well enough to the point where I’m oblivious to what’s actually going on. (In my tired, coffee fuelled mind none of what I just wrote makes sense, but maybe someone else will be able to form some logic in my ramblings!)
It’s fairly busy at work, which has given me a lot of productive stuff to do; and my mood in general feels very positive and optimistic. It’s funny, I feel that I could flick a switch and suddenly become very overwhelmed. I’m protecting myself quite a lot at the moment, while also paying attention to my needs – so it doesn’t feel as though I’m blocking things out, but it does feel unusual – this feeling of being ‘okay.’ (Who worries about feeling okay?!) I feel as though I’ve managed to move forward from some things that have usually left me feeling pretty stuck – but I’m also worried of thinking about those things, and returning to that routine of feeling stuck and unable to get back up.
Naturally I want to just put everything to rest, and move forward, but others have suggested talking about things, and maybe more therapy and so forth, but I just really don’t know. Therapy is wonderful – though I’ve only experienced EMDR rather than CBT or any other talking therapies, and it doesn’t make sense to me at this point in my life to be continuously dragging up negative stuff to the surface, but then of course there’s a part of me that thinks, well if not now, when? But then I don’t know if I ever need to resurface all that negativity and all those painful memories, I don’t know if I want to revisit it all. But do I need to? Can’t I just forget about it and move on – or can I actually do that?
The weirdest part of all this is that a few weeks ago I was under Home Treatment, regularly being asked to reflect on how I’m doing, how I’m feeling and all that, and suddenly I don’t even have a Community Mental Health Team. (Talk about things changing quickly). I do think that I sometimes rely on others to help me figure out what I’m thinking, and it’s been odd going from finally allowing myself to talk things through with people to not talking at all. I’m a little bit confused, but that confusion could be a good thing? I’m enjoying the freedom, but I think I’d find it useful, being reined in.