Before I asked for help with my mental health back in 2014 I’d been struggling for quite some time. But sometimes it’s tricky to decipher between stuff that is stressful in terms of everyday life, and stuff that becomes your everyday life because of mental illness. I’m exhausted, and I have been for ages. Heck, I’ve been at war with my brain for as long as I can remember. I have an annoyingly logical side of my mind that weaves it’s way in and out of the parts of my mind that feel as though they are clouded by thick, thick smoke, fire and rain. My whole mind feels weighted down by something incomprehensible – something which I and many others will identify as mental illness. But then there’s the logical force that seems to try hard to make me see sense, but it doesn’t win much.
Sometimes I question whether it would have been easier to just ignore my mental health, and continue fighting this alone. I hated myself, and it is was horrible to cope before I sought help, but it still feels the same now. It’s the same but different, now I find myself constantly ashamed of myself for not being able to control my mental health – especially as I’m having treatment, I mean I’m meant to be getting better right?
Honestly it’s exhausting, it’s not just a day in day out battle, it’s a battle that changes pretty much every hour. Even when days are good they’re still clouded by that huge shadow of mental illness. It’s just there waiting to take over, and it brings along with it the shame and anger toward myself for not being able to block it out. But then I question: am I meant to be blocking it out? Or am I meant to be fighting my way through it? But I don’t know how to fight my way through it effectively enough to stop it from retaliating.
Was it easier when I ignored it? When I just let it follow me around and I kept plodding my way through life hurting, but putting on my finest, bravest face? But I’m still doing that now… Things are different from three years ago, but I have no idea if they’re better or worse. If I didn’t get help where would things be at now?
To be honest I don’t know where I’m at now, I can’t tell anymore if I’ve made any progress or if I’m just falling deeper. Things change so quickly that I can’t keep up. When I’m talking to others I feel like I’m able to cope with things, like I can fight this, and like I am making progress. But as quick as that sense of hope comes it diminishes, leaving helplessness, pain and fear.
The longer I spend facing this battle the harder I find it to go to others for support. I feel stupid for still needing support; if I’m sick of this others must be also.
I wish I could bury my mental health.