I’m exhausted, so incredibly exhausted. And I’m not sure what makes me more exhausted – is it the ongoing battle that I seem to be going through every day, or the fact that I am fed up with it all? I want it all to be over – what adds to the exhaustion is the feeling of being ‘okay’ – or feeling that I can handle this, and making new plans and goals to battle this and then completely crumbling the next day.
It just never seems to end… and whatever is happening seems to be a completely new battle, or unfamiliar to me, yet it’s a battle that I am so used to now, and I am so tired of it all. Of course there never was a time when I was happy to be struggling – but now it just seems there is no way out. One thing I’ve always strived to do is to work hard, and make sure I don’t let my mental health affect my work, and the opportunities I am presented. There are times when I cannot get out of bed, and the thought of ever leaving my flat is too much, but I’ve accepted that – sometimes you kinda need these days anyway.
The past few days have been intense – I think being ill (flu) definitely made things seem a lot worse, I joked to a friend yesterday that I can handle a lot of things, but the flu or a simple cold just destroys me haha. But what has been really tricky trying to deal with is the nightmares; I’ve been constantly tired this week – fortunately I didn’t have a very heavy week work wise and I was able to work from home all week apart from Friday. Friday was stressful, but fun – and it completely wiped me out. I don’t know if it’s the flu or something else, but today I haven’t been able to leave my bed all day! It’s tricky as well when I have no appetite (or desire to eat) – with the world’s finest headache and crazy dizziness every time I ventured out of my bed I caved and decided to just sleep (which wasn’t too difficult ha). But the nightmares, oh the nightmares…
Dreams have been such a huge part of my life the past few months – every night I seem to be unable to avoid negative, strange, awful, weird dreams – and every morning they leave me feeling creeped out, or just distressed. Sometimes these dreams are directly related to specific events, and most times they wake me up (more like they shake me up), there’s been a few times (certainly recently) where I’ve woken abruptly, feeling pretty scared. Yet, it’s the fairly banal, everyday themed dreams that scare me the most. I find deep discomfort through dreams that are about every day things – I’m not sure why, yet I am left feeling pretty sick, upset and really distressed. But it’s not like crazy, intense nightmares with monsters and stuff. I struggle to explain why these dreams upset me so much, but last night and today I have had one horrendous dream after the other. With pretty standard stuff seemingly making up the storylines for these dreams – my friends, colleagues, places I’m familiar with, simple tasks such as doing work, food, eating, and so forth. And I always seem to have dreams about being in pain or being in danger – being trapped and all that fancy stuff. To anyone else but me these dreams probably seem fairly normal, and not in the slightest way ‘bad’ – but to me they absolutely terrify me – and even during the day I get flashbacks to dreams and I am left feeling sick, it’s awful. And it makes it hard to deal with things when I am stressed from major things, and then simple, normal topics leave me feeling shaken and upset.
I don’t even like writing dream journals as having to reflect on my dreams just leaves me feeling like utter crap – and to be honest I don’t feel great most of the time, so I wanna avoid as much negativity as I can ha.
In other news… I feel like crap ha.
‘You have no idea how long the dark lasts when you cannot close your eyes to it.’