If your experience of mental illness (and life in general I reckon) is anything like mine then you’ll be familiar with the sense of feeling like you don’t actually know yourself. Even though you are probably (like 100%) the only person who truly knows you – you also feel that at times others might know more about you as a person than you do…
I am so so good at comparing myself to others, but I am always a pro at creating illustrious perceptions of what others think of me. I’ve managed to convince myself that like 99.9% of the people I’ve met over the past few years are all judging me, that they all think negatively of me, or that they are doing everything in their willpower to get away from me. (Or they are just trying to please me so to not upset me or make a scene…)
Well, that’s complete rubbish. I know it is, now that I’ve started to recover from the dark, not-so-fun illness that has been taking over my mind I realise how easy it is to let your inner demons take control. Even walking down the road was too much for me as I thought that everyone in their cars were laughing or criticising me…
A big part of my recovery (something that I’ve actually decided myself) is to become familiar with myself again. It sounds strange – I’ve been the same person for the past 21 years, yes I’ve learnt things, yes I’ve grown as a person, and yes bad things have influenced me – but I’m thinking about the hardcore inner stuff, the stuff that makes us human. And I’ve realised lately that for a long, long time I’ve been trying to please people, or I’ve been reacting how I think people would want me to react, and I’ve not actually been showing the world who I really am. It’s not a case of needing to find myself, it’s a case of needing to simply be myself. Not a panicky, laughs-at-everything, hilarious, can-handle-anything version of myself. I do have a peculiar sense of humour (but I’m fine with that) but there have been far too many times where I’ve turned to humour or awkwardness to try and handle situations – and I know now that I’ve not been fair on myself.
So. Here’s things that I know about myself, things that make me – me. Things that I often keep hidden:
- I am a very deep thinker, I think about things really intensely.
- I am a very passionate person – yet I often neglect this trait.
- Music is one of the utmost important things in my life.
- I love the outdoors, there is nothing greater than nature.
- I love early mornings – the early morning air is one of my favourite things.
- I am really good at rapping. (And singing).
- I love reading books out loud and pretending that I’m giving a really important speech.
- I love re-enacting scenes from films (aka: acting).
- Tunnels freak me out.
- I get nervous but deep-down I am a pretty confident person (I just let anxiety take over sometimes…)
- I love having really in-depth conversations, but I always fear that the person I’m talking to is judging me. (Why?!!)
- I love quirky stuff.
- If I’m buying something from a shop I often buy the broken or least-attractive looking of the item as I get worried that it’ll get left behind and no-one will buy it.
- The smell of rain is ironically one of my favourite things.
- Harry Potter is ace, but it’s not my favourite film.
- In fact, pretty much every film I watch and like is my favourite film (for like a week).
- I have a very big imagination (it’s both a blessing and a curse.)
- I love organising things into folders (it makes me feel smart).
- I think lambs are like the coolest animals ever.
- I know cats are the sassiest animals ever.
- Intense weather (wind etc.) scares me.
- I love writing, be it songs, poetry or blogs… I love words.
- I also like writing with pen and paper… if I have to type something I often write it down on paper first just because I find the process fun.
- I love speaking publicly. (Especially if it’s something I’m passionate about.)
- I’m always told off for not giving myself enough credit – the truth is I know I’m intelligent and capable of things, it’s just in the past I was always scared of being too clever, or too geeky. I know how strange that sounds, but again the whole people judging me thing comes into play…
- I spend most of my life singing into a hairbrush pretending I am a superstar.
- The Lizzie Macguire Movie is probably one of the biggest milestone-creating things in my life.
- When I was younger I was obsessed with Sudoku.
- I worry that I look like I have no eyes in every photo ever taken of me*…
- I’m currently waiting for a pizza to be delivered and it’s all I can think about right now…