Scared, confused and struggling at the same time

I think I’ve hit something – not a wall – no, it does seem breakable, but whatever it is it doesn’t feel as though I can move forward for a while. I’ve been stressed a lot recently, but in the good kind of way – I’ve been experiencing all the normal stresses of a 22 year-old (aka: deciding where to live, searching for jobs etc.) But throughout these recent stress-filled weeks I haven’t had much contact with anyone concerning Mental Health apart from via. Dearest Someone. I managed to speak to a lovely lovely wellbeing adviser at my University, however apart from that I’ve pretty much been ‘free’. (So to say).

I’ve been organising and planning things pretty relentlessly, so I’ve had things to focus on. I’ve just realised I did see my new therapist about two weeks ago – it’s strange how my brain likes to block things out! Anyway, yesterday I met with my therapist again, we talked about my future treatment and there’s been a few things that I  need to get checked out concerning my general health before I can start a certain part of my therapy.

Now… to go on a slight, but much-needed tangent here… I’ve recently blogged about dealing with anniversaries of traumatic events – I’ve had to deal with two anniversaries over the past two weeks. Which doesn’t get any easier each year, but this year it did feel different. I’ve come so far this past year, but I’ve also started to feel things so much more. So, although both anniversaries were painful I was able to deal with them. However, the day before the second anniversary (which was also the day before my birthday) I had a pretty stressful day. I had to go to hospital in the morning for a check-up, but in the evening I started vomiting blood (apologies for the profoundness of this) but as you can imagine that caused a great deal of stress and as a precaution I had to see an ’emergency’ doctor. Anyway… long story short – I was given medication and thankfully things have been better. But the thing is… I’ve been keeping a lot of this to myself.

I have a fantastic support network, I really do, but recently I’ve been very afraid of contacting people as I’m starting to feel horribly embarrassed and ashamed of my own struggles. Which I know is silly, but the truth is those types of thoughts seem to be winning lately. It’s very easy to feel ‘rejected’ when you’ve experienced trauma in the past, and a simple email that says so-and-so has doesn’t have much availability pretty much seems like nobody in the whole world wants to speak to you. Ever.

Of course, I know this is stupid – the fact is it  is impossible for one person to be in two places at once. I reckon this is overthinking at it’s finest.

It’s a little surreal when everything starts to fall into place in your life (professionally) yet you are terrified of asking for help in another aspect of your life.

The broken record that is currently playing is the whole… ‘I’m ace at giving other people advice but terrible at seeing things clearly when it comes to my own self.’ Which, apparently as I’ve been told, is fairly normal – as humans we have a talent for seeing others situations more clearly than our own (or so we think). However, what I’m really trying to say here, but I’m just beating around the bush, is that I really really need to reach out to my team, but currently I just don’t feel ‘worthy’ enough. Which is stupid. Who worries about not being worthy of struggling?!

Though, I find myself continuously questioning how many times you can ask for help before people start to get fed-up?

Dearest Someone,

Help

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4 comments

  1. I have worried many times about worthy enough at struggling! It does feel silly, but it’s still valid if that’s how you feel. I guess people outside of the mental health world might sometimes feel fed up- perhaps people who care about you will be frustrated and wish things were different. But mostly I think that people just regret that they can’t help you themselves. It’s more helplessness than being fed up maybe?
    It sounds like life has been pretty hectic recently and you’ve dealt with lots of intense events in a small time frame. Nobody in your position would be breezing along, care free and coping tremendously! Sending positive, calm vibes your way xx

    Liked by 1 person

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