Over the past few days I’ve started and deleted several emails, blog posts and so forth. There’s a lot happening, and I don’t seem to be winning any of the battles I’ve been facing, and I’ve certainly not been able to ask anyone for help. I’ve found myself, multiple times, phone in hand, mind blurry and desperately trying to figure out whether or not to phone the crisis number I was given by my community mental health team (CMHT). The only problem is, I genuinely don’t know if what I’m going through is ‘good’ enough (severe enough) for me to phone my crisis team.
Sunday night was pretty awful, and I’m definitely not sure how I managed to get into work Monday morning, add a pretty horrid migraine to the mix – the type that painkillers doesn’t even knock – and I was definitely, somehow, floating through work. The thoughts and feelings I experienced on Sunday didn’t pop up out of nowhere, I think I’ve been struggling for a while – Sunday just felt like the moment of explosion. I’d tried (and failed miserably) to subtly let people know I was struggling, I just didn’t have the energy – or understanding – to articulate exactly what I was feeling and, most importantly, what I needed.
I know I need time off, but I’m not sure I want to be alone with my thoughts right now, and thankfully work is quite busy at the moment, so I have something to dive into (somewhere to escape). I’ve experienced some very dark times before, so I know – for the most part – my limits, and my points of no return, but I always find it very overwhelming when I seem to lose all control of my mind, my coping strategies and my perception. I take out my emotions on my body – whether through (gulp) self-harm, which is something I don’t, if at all, blog about, along with binge-eating and purging (double gulp).
I haven’t had the courage to ask for help, not even from those who have helped me in the past. I’ve successfully managed to talk myself out of every possible scenario of me asking for help, and I’ve never felt more alone. I don’t think my crisis is crisis enough for my crisis team, and I don’t want to burden those who I used to ask for help, as I haven’t reached out to them in a while. My support circle, something which I know is strong, suddenly feels very empty, and I feel very vulnerable.
When I’m at work I switch back into ‘be normal’ mode, but I’m exhausted, grumpy and I keep finding ways to avoid acknowledging what’s happening. I’ve been too afraid to phone my Community Psychiatric Nurse (CPN), or the duty worker, and I’ve felt too inadequate to phone the crisis number, so I’ve just been stuck, hating myself, hating life and just stuck.
It scares me how easy it is to withdraw myself from life, and hide away from the world.