I feel a bit like a guest in my own life, I feel as though I’m sitting watching myself, observing my recovery, and waiting for a grand finale. It’s difficult to explain, my mind is a mess, but also perfectly clear. I feel as though I’m thinking coherently, and recovery is possible and everything is okay, and it’s the first I’ve felt this in a long time. I’ve not made that into a negative, which normally I’m very good at doing – but I also feel very strange. It’d be weird to break everything down into ‘parts’ because the overall sense of things at the moment is pretty positive, but there are parts of me that are apprehensive, slightly confused and questioning my thoughts, feelings and actions.
I guess that as someone who usually blocks things out, and gets on with stuff it does feel odd that I’m not doing that. I seem to be getting on with things, and working my way forward. But there is that doubtful thought process: questioning if I am actually dealing with things, versus the possibility that I could actually be blocking things out, and blocking things out well enough to the point where I’m oblivious to what’s actually going on. (In my tired, coffee fuelled mind none of what I just wrote makes sense, but maybe someone else will be able to form some logic in my ramblings!)
It’s fairly busy at work, which has given me a lot of productive stuff to do; and my mood in general feels very positive and optimistic. It’s funny, I feel that I could flick a switch and suddenly become very overwhelmed. I’m protecting myself quite a lot at the moment, while also paying attention to my needs – so it doesn’t feel as though I’m blocking things out, but it does feel unusual – this feeling of being ‘okay.’ (Who worries about feeling okay?!) I feel as though I’ve managed to move forward from some things that have usually left me feeling pretty stuck – but I’m also worried of thinking about those things, and returning to that routine of feeling stuck and unable to get back up.
Naturally I want to just put everything to rest, and move forward, but others have suggested talking about things, and maybe more therapy and so forth, but I just really don’t know. Therapy is wonderful – though I’ve only experienced EMDR rather than CBT or any other talking therapies, and it doesn’t make sense to me at this point in my life to be continuously dragging up negative stuff to the surface, but then of course there’s a part of me that thinks, well if not now, when? But then I don’t know if I ever need to resurface all that negativity and all those painful memories, I don’t know if I want to revisit it all. But do I need to? Can’t I just forget about it and move on – or can I actually do that?
The weirdest part of all this is that a few weeks ago I was under Home Treatment, regularly being asked to reflect on how I’m doing, how I’m feeling and all that, and suddenly I don’t even have a Community Mental Health Team. (Talk about things changing quickly). I do think that I sometimes rely on others to help me figure out what I’m thinking, and it’s been odd going from finally allowing myself to talk things through with people to not talking at all. I’m a little bit confused, but that confusion could be a good thing? I’m enjoying the freedom, but I think I’d find it useful, being reined in.
Dearest Someone 
Dearest Someone, do you mind if I share my thoughts about this? (if yes, then er… stop reading I guess…)
“there is that doubtful thought process: questioning if I am actually dealing with things, versus the possibility that I could actually be blocking things out, and blocking things out well enough to the point where I’m oblivious to what’s actually going on.”
“I’m protecting myself quite a lot at the moment, while also paying attention to my needs – so it doesn’t feel as though I’m blocking things out, but it does feel unusual – this feeling of being ‘okay.’ (Who worries about feeling okay?!)”
I wonder, could it be that balancing “protecting yourself” vs. “dealing with things” is something that you’re now learning for the first time? It probably takes quite some practice before this balance becomes internalised to a degree where you can just feel whether you should protect yourself or deal with something. Between the lines I’m reading that this balance is not something you’ve always had, like naturally, and then suddenly lost when you developed your depression. In fact I would be quite surprised if that was the case, after all you didn’t develop a depression for no reason. Give yourself some time to learn this new skill. In the beginning you’ll probably question everything, all of your decisions regarding that delicate balance, but I’m convinced that over time, you will get a feel for it.
So that’s just my thoughts, based on how things have worked for me… I might be entirely wrong, in which case I’m sorry and please just ignore all of it 🙂 Warm wishes, Ana
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Hi 🙂 I don’t mind at all, in fact I’m really grateful for you sharing your thoughts! The idea of me not being able to balance things is I think pretty accurate – I don’t think I’d realised and you’ve put it a way that makes things a lot clearer for me! I think I am struggling to figure out what I need/or how I need to react, which feels a little odd because I should just react naturally, but I think because my natural reactions have normally been quite negative and I’ve recently worked incredibly hard to deal with things/be positive I guess it makes complete sense that I am questioning how to react/how to move forward. Thank-you so much for this comment, it has been unbelievably reassuring and thought provoking, so thank-you! 🙂 xx
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Actually, it makes a lot of sense to me. A lot of what you said kind of resonates with me, though EMDR seems to have not worked out well for me. It’s totally worth keeping on with.
I think it’s definitely going to be a process for you, but it seems like you’re in a good place to get through it all and keep on improving. It sounds like you’ve made great progress!
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Thank-you for commenting – it’s helpful to get another’s perspective! Ironically after posting this I had an awful night, and it’s reminded me that it’s okay to get help! I think I needed a nudge haha
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Stay positive Ella, in time you will learn to trust yourself again. It can take awhile after being so low that you feel you lose yourself. You are obviously doing well if the mental health team feel you can cope. Best wishes, try and relax if you can. Us fellow sufferers are with you on your journey xx
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Thank-you Alison 🙂 I’m definitely trying to take things easy! I hope you’re well? Xx
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I relate to feeling reliant on others to work through thoughts and feel like I understand where I am and where I’m headed to. As you’ve said before, being able to be open is a big deal in itself, and so the relying on others thing is an important stage of recovery.
Perhaps you feel confused because you aren’t used to not needing that validation and resource all the time? Emotions are confusing, and even those who don’t have a particular struggle don’t always know how to react to everything! That would be such a perfect world if we could all react exactly as we should all of the time.
Your progress is still valid even if you feel uncertain about where you are on your journey right now. It sounds like you’re coping well & making the best choices you can. It’s wonderful xx
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Thank-you lovely 🙂 xx
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