I’ve been open about my experience with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) – to a certain extent, and I must admit sometimes I write to simply release all the un-explainable feelings and words that consume me daily (hourly, and pretty much every waking second – dramatic but true.)
Mental Health issues are a constant, continuous battle for those who struggle with any form of mental health illness… I think for me, I struggle with my mental health, and I struggle with accepting and making sense of my mental health. – Does that make sense?
Every day is different, every day there is a new battle taking over my mind – yet these battles are pretty much the same thing, just in a different form, or a different way of thinking.
I struggle to blog, as I have one side of my mind that types, and gets all my feelings out there – then about 24 hours later I will freak out – questioning whether I’ve shared too much, whether people will view me differently, whether blogging means I’m giving in to my mental health struggles…. and then there’s the other side of my mind that thinks: ‘it’s great I’m sharing my story – because it helps me make sense, it helps those who know me make sense, and it helps fight stigma.’
Every blog post I feel happy with, then hate the next day – which is one of the main reasons I decided to post as ‘Dearest Someone’ and not with my personal blog – I think I really am concerned of what others think, but at the same time I know that I am fighting a battle – this blog makes it much more ‘real’ for me – it helps me understand. It also makes me feel ashamed… I certainly do battle with accepting that I am struggling, especially when I talk to others or read other blogs, it completely overwhelms me, and most of the time I question if I’m simply being ‘stupid.’
So Many Battles….
Everyday is a different battle for me, and everyday I feel ashamed, proud, overwhelmed, confused and numb. The main battles for me I can list – but I’m telling ya, tomorrow they will be different!
1) The battle to make sense of my PTSD – has the past really affected me? Is what I went through significant enough to leave me this way? Am I just making this up, am I really just a terrible person?
2) The battle to hide what I’m going through – I try to hide what I’m feeling as I worry a lot about being a burden for others – or of them thinking I’m being dramatic, and them getting bored of me…
3) The battle to articulate what I’m going through – I try to explain or show those closest to me that everyday is a struggle… and that even if I’m smiling and perky, I am definitely thinking a billion different things in my brain.
4) The battle to stay focused – I struggle to focus, and here I mean I can only work on one task for about five minutes before I get distracted or have to focus on something else (but at the same time I can remain ridiculously focused – confusing I know!) This one definitely depends on where I am, and certain triggers.
5) The battle to eat – my relationship with food is awful, and is has been for about ten years – this one is a yo-yo, and it’s very complex, and food just aggravates me, but I love it so much, but I hate it, but I love it, but I hate it…..
6) The battle to kick frustration – I frustratingly battle with this pretty much 24/7, small things really really reaaaaaally frustrate me, and people that I love, and spend loads of time with, frustrate me – to the point where I just block them out or cannot give them attention – and that’s horrid – that makes me a bad person.
7) The battle to stay in one place – this one is a battle mentally – so the battle to not let everything in my head hit me at once, in which I them retreat to the position of ‘numb, hideaway’ where basically my brain stops making sense of things, and is completely overwhelmed, and I don’t know what to do or how to function.
Then there’s the battle to stay in one physical place – I really struggle to stay in one place (unless it’s my bed – it’s easy to stay there forever). If I’m working at uni I struggle with this one real bad – I have to get up and move around every half hour or so, it’s pretty much an unbearable urge to move around – quite literally the flight in flight or fight.
8) The battle of whether or not I actually care – this is a battle of whether I can be bothered or not – in which I mean, I’m fed up, tired and shattered of all this – and sometimes I do want to just hide from the world, but then at the same time I know that I can battle through it – and I know that I’ve overcome so much, hell I survived a natural disaster, car crashes and other stuff – so surely I can go to uni today?
This little quote has helped a lot though…
(If you’ve not figured it out by now – I love Harry Potter).