16:41pm – I’ve spent most of today asleep. Thank goodness.
Our minds are strange, wonderful things… we are strange and wonderful things. One of my favourite quotes: We are fearfully and wonderfully made. Oh we most certainly are. My mind has been struggling recently, I’ve been struggling and my body is just being strung along, trying to make sense of it all. Another one of my favourite ‘quotes’: I destroyed my body for a peace of mind I never got. Both of these quotes I have been exposed to through Demi Lovato – I’m a huge fan of Demi’s work, and Demi herself, she is an incredible advocate for mental health, for self-love and for battling through the dark times.
Recently I’ve been at battle with myself due to the things I’ve achieved, no matter how big or small. When we’ve achieved wonderful things we know what we are capable of, and when we’re going through tough times there is nothing more frustrating. It’s almost like your mind throws these memories at you, to remind you of the ace times you’ve had and how much right now sucks. At times (and most certainly for me) my mind seems to mock me, or trick me into thinking that everything I’ve ever done is worthless. Simple things are achievements – they are to me. Yet it’s very easy for me to beat myself up over things, and to carry on raging forward through my workload as if I am a robot. It’s interesting, I previously posted about how people keep asking me to take on work, and that it’s not humanly possible – well I’ve been thinking recently about how much pressure I put on myself.
I guess we’re all guilty of putting pressure on ourselves, pressure is, at times, a good thing. It drives you, it helps you to produce work, and it helps you meet deadlines. For the previous few weeks I’ve not been accepting how ill I am, and this past week my body has desperately tried to wake me up from this ‘fast-forward, keep on going, you can do everything’ mode. Thursday was a long day, I spent most of the day shaking like crazy, with adrenaline seemingly fulling every fibre of my being, humiliation and shame trailing along reminding me that I was stupid for struggling. That I should just hibernate forever, and that I should stop trying to be ‘normal.’ Headaches are also not my friend at the moment – but they are a reminder (albeit a painful reminder) that I need to slow down. I need a day off. I need to allow myself to recover.
I am very fortunate to have an ace mental health adviser, who, in my opinion, has definitely put up with a lot from me! This week she reminded me that it’s okay for me to need a rest. Thursday night when I got home I pretty much slept from around 8pm to 11am the next day… that’s new for me. And today I’ve barely been able to keep my eyes open. I’m really not well, but I’m starting to think more positively so I have to consider the pros and cons. To be honest sleep surely can’t be too much of a bad thing?!
Today has been a much-needed ‘breathing day.’
Adios, I’m back off to bed…