Warning: content within this post may be triggering for some readers.
I know Monday Blues is a thing… can we make Tuesday blues a thing too? Everything seems a little different today, I’m not too sure how to explain. Yesterday was my mums birthday, which was lovely – I ate a lot of food though ha, and we had family come round which was nice. Unfortunately though my not so dear friend Mr.Migraine also visited, and every noise (loud or quiet) and any type of light was really uncomfortable. Everyone was understanding though, and it wasn’t a big deal anyway so the evening was really nice 🙂 However, during the night I had so many strange dreams – dreams about my recovery, eating, self-harming and so forth – which, as you can imagine left me fairly grumpy and confused when I woke up.
In the past I have also been very negative and self-deprecating toward myself, I’ve always struggled with respecting myself and looking after myself. I’m not my biggest fan – which is tricky when people meet me on the basis of work that I am doing, or opportunities that I am offered. I’m very good at presenting myself really well when I am being professional, confidence isn’t an issue, I know that I am capable of achieving great things, but deep deep down the respect towards myself isn’t there. I struggle with body-image, and basically hating everything about myself, such as the way I talk, my personality, the feelings I feel (which is stupid.)
This is something I’m working, and I’ve truly started to believe over the previous months that self-care and self-respect is the basis for a lot of great things. I want to learn to love myself, I think if I find a way to actually honestly feel content with who I am as a person then it will be easier for me to tackle other things, such as dealing with trauma, dealing with unwanted thoughts and feelings and so forth. One thing that I have continuously reminded myself over the past week is that I have the right to feel any emotion that I want. I spend a lot of time overthinking my emotions or thinking negative thoughts about any emotions that I feel or actions that I do. Which begins a downward spiral of self-hate.
Fortunately for me I am able to function really well, I can get on with my work and I am able to plan things, etc. But at times – especially evenings, weekends and times when I’m alone – my hatred, and my negative feelings of myself seem to take over. So, as a precaution for myself (to stop my mood/my feelings from getting any lower) and to help build a foundation in which I am not my own worse enemy, I am going to spend the foreseeable future actually looking after myself and being kind to myself.
In a weird, strange way which some people may find seemingly simple – I am going to start from the basics. Food is a problem for me, it has been for a long time, but it’s also something I never really talk about. So, I plan to eat well, be active, plan things and stick to my plan. Hopefully I’ll discover things which work well and things which don’t – I think this will make a big change to both my physical and mental health.
I know this will be challenging and I know this will take time, but I am more than ready for change. And as they say…
Change is a process, not an event.
Easy does it.