It’s strange, and very weird to admit this. Even as I’m thinking it little warning flags are raised in my mind. I’m worried about how others will perceive what I’m saying, so I’m trying to think of a way to clearly articulate how I’m feeling.
Each day for me is a struggle, though each struggle I face is different, and yes of course some days are pretty much 99.9% better than others (so cliche, but true.) However, I often have days where quite frankly I do not care. Yet I do care, yet there’s the overbearing sense of me not caring, yet I know that’s stupid – of course I care, yet deep down inside I can feel a whole big bubble of ‘I don’t care, everyone needs to leave me alone.’ I guess it’s easier to say I struggle to get motivated, yet for me motivation doesn’t seem like a struggle – because surely in order to feel motivated you have to care about what ever it is that you’re trying to do?
Simply put, there are days when I could quite happily give up on everything. Give up on talking to anyone, give up on blogging, give up on trying to enjoy myself, give up on pretty much anything. I try so so hard to work hard (that might not make sense, but what I mean is: I try so hard to do simple tasks, yet I also try so hard to achieve goals and professional targets).
Take today for instance, I’m struggling to want to do anything today, I have things that I have to do, that I can’t push to the back of my mind. I also have engagements with friends arranged that I know I am really excited about, yet at the same time it seems like such a big, terrifying task. It feels like I shouldn’t apply myself to anything because nobody actually cares about what I do. Right? I mean, I don’t even care about myself, so why should anybody else?
Then I find myself thinking… shut up. I have worked SO hard to get to where I am today, and I don’t mean professionally, I mean personally. I’ve been ‘plodding’ along for what seems like a lifetime, and I often joke when times are tough that I’ll be okay and I’ll continue to plod on. But plodding on is harder than it sounds. Plodding on isn’t just a matter of putting one foot in front of the other – for all of us it’s different, but for me it’s a matter of fighting the overpowering thoughts of ‘I can’t do this, I don’t want to do this, nobody else wants me to do this, whats the point?’
It’s very easy for me to slip into the routine of ‘not caring,’ I’m human and I’m struggling, and of course everything would be a billion times better if I didn’t have to fight a crazy blummin’ battle everyday. However, I have fought so hard to just be that I sure as hell ain’t gunna give up now…