This post contains content that may potentially be triggering for some readers.
I’m in a bad mood, I’m in the kind of mood where I want to snap at everything but I’m also in the kind of mood where I want to cry at everything. I don’t usually get like this – so it’s a mood that leaves me feeling quite upset.
Agitated, that’s how I’m feeling. I’m surrounded by triggers – and people, things and events aren’t making things any better. I know emotion is only temporary – I know something will happen that will cheer me up, but I right now I’m trying to capture and make sense of what I’m feeling.
I do try to stay positive when I’m feeling down in the dumps, but the past few days have been quite confusing. (I literally just googled different types of emotion to try and find one that matches how I’ve felt… I didn’t find anything!) It’s weird, I’m having a weird week, that’s the only way I can describe it. I’m happy and relaxed one moment and then tense, angry, annoyed, hurting the next… But, it’s the type of mood rollercoaster where normal coping strategies just don’t seem to work – colouring or crafting isn’t appealing, nothing is appealing right now.
I think this mood has been ‘a long time coming’ so to say, I wrote a blog post the other day when I was really really really not having a good time of things. I didn’t share it as I wasn’t really sure how it’d be received… also I was slightly ashamed.
For some reason (I have no idea why) I’m gunna share it now. I think we can all be our own worst enemies at times – for some this kind of behaviour is the only thing we are familiar with. Negative attitude and destructive self-belief is the only constant for me at times, and it makes recovery so much harder. In fact, sometimes giving in to the self-deprecating, horrible, negative thoughts and feelings helps to numb things out. It’s something I’m familiar with – it’s certainly not something I want to do – but, admittedly when I get in very low moods sometimes I do want to be mean toward myself. I have it hard-wired in my mind, my body and my spirit that I’m not good enough, but I also, at the same time, know that I am a good egg. I just really struggle (in fact, it’s not really a struggle) I just don’t let myself believe I’m actually okay. This is something I do want to work on, and I’m hoping that in some weird way being open and honest about these types of thoughts and feelings will in some way help me.
SO… deep breath, and please don’t hate me (how ironic – I want you to like me but I don’t want to like myself.)
Things I tell myself far too often:
- I am the world’s biggest waste of space.
- Nobody would ever want to be my friend.
- I’m unbelievably fat.
- I am the worst example of a human ever.
- I’m a ridiculous, silly, stupid failure.
- I need to lose weight.
- No-one would ever go near me.
- Nobody actually wants to talk to me.
- I’m wasting everybody’s time.
- What’s the point in trying, everybody hates me.
- I am stupid.
- Things aren’t ever going to get better.
- I am a loser and I shouldn’t even bother trying.
- There isn’t any point in trying.
- I am a horrible person.
- I was never meant to experience good things.
- I don’t deserve to be happy.
- I don’t deserve to be sad, there are people who are going through far worse.
- I’m selfish for being sad.
And this is a little something I scrawled down when I was feeling rough:
I don’t feel sick – I feel as though I need to crawl into a ball and hibernate forever. I’m getting endless emails and all I want to do is cry. I have a lump in my throat but I don’t think it’s there armed and ready with tears… do I need to scream, or is it just there to make breathing difficult?
I still feel sick. I never want to get out of bed. I’m being dramatic but I’m not being dramatic, but I don’t think I am ever want to move again. I never want to leave my house but at the same time I want to run, anywhere, I just want to keep running. Forever.
Reading this back is strange – but, it’s stuff I can relate to only too well – and I wish, I really do wish that I can figure out ways to stop thinking like this. I know it’s human nature to get anxious, or be a little self-deflating at times, but to do it as often as I do isn’t healthy.
People who spend a lot of time with me, even those nearest and dearest, don’t see this side of me. I guess I try to protect myself as I know I’m being silly – or I am maybe worried that people will think I’m being silly when in fact this is how I truly feel about myself.