I don’t know how I’m gunna get up from this one (TW)

Warning: this post contains content that some readers may find triggering.

Oh hey world, another day another destiny… yep.

Another day another day another day, oh man another day. Today will be better because yesterday I kicked butt, although today will suck today will also be better.

Except it wasn’t. Yay to this world reminding me of all the sucky things that exist.

The thing is I’m not being dramatic here, and I’m very aware of how ‘good’ my life is, but today downright sucked. Today was scary, painful and I’m confused, lost and feeling pretty defeated right now. Trauma is a thing… a word I’m not too fond of, but either way it’s still something which is big in my life (no matter how many years after). Three things got me baaaad… natural disasters, traffic accidents and more. It’s stuff I’ve been dealing with, stuff I’ve been fairly open with… but today was (and still is) a huge test of everything.

This morning I had an appointment with my GP about neurological stuff, then straight after I had an appointment at my CMHT (Community Mental Health Team) with my psychologist… I’ve been prepping myself up for today – I had a doctors appointment yesterday morning which left me feeling a little wiped out so today I’d planned to kick butt, be honest and let my guard down… which I did (ten points to me). But then, right after leaving therapy (after getting on the wrong bus) I ended up in a pretty scary situation.

Long story short, one individual today was being very troubling to the point where not only did I feel unsafe but others were in danger too – the police were involved though so that made me feel a little better. Either way my mind is now in overload, and I literally have reached a point where I am so done with all the trauma, I don’t want to continue delving into it all during therapy, and I don’t know how I’m gunna get up from this one. (To be clear here: I’m not having any risky thoughts I am just very very stuck and very very lost.) 

I don’t know man, I’ve cried a lot of tears, jumped at a lot of things, questioned a lot of things, zoned out a lot, raked my brain for answers a zillion times, done some work and eaten some food, but maaaaan this one is tough.

Another wall to break… 

This song sums up everything in my mind pretty perfectly right now:

Ten billion points to Lauren Aquilina.

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3 comments

  1. So sorry to hear that things are testing you so much right now. But know that none of your feelings or reactions are abnormal. As much as it sucks, I find that these tricky emotions sometimes need time to pass. You will get through this, I know it. Hope you get a good nights sleep xx

    Liked by 2 people

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