A lot seems to have happened over the past four weeks, from head injuries to hospital appoiotments, trips to accident and emergency alongside what seems like endless trips to the GP; and that’s all stuff to do with my ‘physical health.’ When it comes to mental health related appointments, whether it’s with an advisor, my CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse), my medical team or my psychologist I always struggle a little if my appointments are unexpectedly cancelled. I guess it takes a lot of energy and commitment for me to prepare for my appointments, and sometimes I really just need someone to listen to my thoughts. However, a few weeks back my fortnightly appointment with my psychologist was cancelled, and admittedly I was very relieved.

Having multiple doctors’ and hospital appointments really did take its toll on me. Although I’m used to having weeks where I have multiple mental health and wellbeing appointments, trying to adapt to how much time I’ve had to spend focusing on my health as of late has (weirdly) really been quite challenging. Which is why I was pretty relieved to have four weeks off from appointments with my Community Mental Health Team (CMHT). Oddly I feel guilty that I was happy my appointment with my psychologist had been cancelled, but I think it’s because my appointments leave me feeling pretty exhausted – but, for me I know that’s a good thing. I think there’s a certain level of commitment and energy that needs to be spent when it comes to recovery, and it’s honestly been really nice to have four weeks where I’ve been able to ignore (at best) my mental health and focus on my physical health. (My physical health has been pretty stress-inducing thanks to some neurology and lymph-node related stuff, which pulled my focus away from my mental health).

It’s strange, I almost feel guilty for not focusing on my mental health, I feel guilty that I’ve somehow managed to suppress the life-sucking pull of depression and anxiety. (That sounds dramatic, but lets be honest… it is pretty life-sucking). That’s not to say I haven’t been struggling, I’ve really been terrified in terms of the hospital appointments and neurology-related stuff I’ve had to deal with, and unfortunately it’s not over yet!

However, tomorrow is my first appointment back at my CMHT after four weeks ‘off’ (of course, I actually mean four weeks of praying that everything’ll be okay…) And I must admit, I’m a little apprehensive. I’m a little nervous, and I’m a little bit confused as to how I actually feel…

I want to go in and talk about everything that’s happened over the past four weeks, I really want to, and need to, talk about the stuff that’s been going on in my hospital appointments etc. but I also want to focus on my mental health. Especially as it’s Christmas, and I’m going home (Essex) tomorrow, where I’ll have plenty of time to think, eat and probably stress myself out… so I don’t know.

I have no idea how tomorrow will play out. In fact, I have no idea how the rest of this week will play out. It sounds strange but I really am going to have to try and have a good Christmas. As silly as it sounds I know I’m going to struggle with things while I have time off. I think Christmas, as wonderful as it is, is also a huge stress and anxiety triggering time of year. WE have plenty of time to think about the wonderful things we have, and the incredible things we have to be grateful for, but we also have plenty of time for our minds to battle hard to bring all the negative stuff back to the forefront of our thinking…

So, here’s to hoping that Christmas is lovely and merry! I’m a little anxious about Christmas and the New Year, I think heightened focus on the good things sometimes does remind us of the bad things. And we shouldn’t feel guilty about that, we can have ‘good’ and ‘bad’ things in our lives at one time, there are no rules on how to live on this big old planet… Sometimes I have to remind myself that it’s okay to get overwhelmed and nervous, after all… if I can wear this turkey hat out in public then I can most probably do anything…

Merry Christmas! 🙂

Ella x