I’m fairly sure 99% of my emotions over the past four or five days have been pretty negative, which sucks. My low mood, my complete lack or want of energy and my apparent hate toward anything other than hugging my teddy bear definitely took it’s toll on my ability to focus when working today (yes I’m 22 and I have a teddy bear… Meeko’s got my back.)
I’m tired, aching and I just binged on the most sugary bloody concoction of food ever, which definitely isn’t going to do my mood any favours. I’ve actually been doing really well in terms of eating this past month (albeit, the past week has reignited my love for chocolate). So, I think this binge’ll hit me hard tomorrow, because I’m struggling a lot at the moment to focus on anything other than my body image. It’s a vicious cycle really, and I never really seem to speak much about my pretty unhealthy relationship with food… food just confuses me, it really does.
I think I’ve been trying real hard to avoid humans lately – and failing because I live in a house with nine other people. My mood has been very unexpectedly low since Friday, in fact, I spent most of my weekend wishing I could get back to work and hide away from the world in my office. My mood somehow reached a point where I simply couldn’t function, I couldn’t think straight and I didn’t have the energy, or desire to do anything. Of course, living with depression I’m pretty used to low mood, and all that… but for some reason this weekend felt a little different. I had a cracking migraine which lasted for going on three days, which definitely tested my patience (and wiped out my energy), so my inability to move, eat or do anything thanks to my migraine did wonders (sarcasm) to my mood. I was grumpy, angry, upset, tired, annoyed, impatient, hungry and pretty much ‘done.’ Not to mention, doors, washing machines and TVs breaking, pretty much left me ready to hibernate, forever. (Yeah, I know material stuff isn’t that important, but it really can be frustrating!)
I then struggled, quite badly, to get to sleep Sunday evening. I felt incredibly unsafe, anxious, stressed, worried, scared and full of self-hate, dread and pain, which led to an even worse and weirder mood when I woke this morning (Monday). To then miss a dentist appointment thanks to an accident and awful traffic. So, by the time I got into work I was ready to get ‘shiz’ done.
I really struggle, at times, with getting through the weekend when I’m experiencing some pretty intense periods of low mood. I certainly struggle more with low mood when I’ve been having a particularly good time of things, and then BAM, out of nowhere comes a horrid reminder that depression does exist, and apparently it’s unavoidable (yay). I freaked myself out last night because I could feel that “I don’t want to leave this house ever again, nowhere is safe, everyone hates me” series of thoughts quickly cementing themselves back in my brain. But, somehow and no matter how bloody difficult and tricky today was, I somehow managed to get into work. (Though, I bought a handbag, some shoes and some clothes on the way… oops?)
I was looking for images, via Pinterest, as I always do for this blog, and I stumbled across this, and I think my heart tried it’s hardest to jump out of my throat. I can relate to this image SO much: