My experience of mental illness is something that I, at times, just cannot understand. Depression sucks, it sucks the life out of me. At times depression feels like I’m wearing some weird pair of goggles that only allows me to view life from a perspective that’s pretty rubbish. Everyone and everything is out to get me. Nobody actually likes me and, nobody would care, or does care, when things aren’t going so well. I feel sick to my stomach, and hate everything… I hate food, I hate showering, I hate sleep, I hate music, I hate people, I hate animals, I hate nice weather, I hate bad weather, I hate mess, I hate tidiness, I hate life. Nothing changes, nothing will change, and no matter how hard I try things that I want to disappear just won’t. No amount of food, self-hate, alcohol, crying, thinking or just simply ‘living’ will make the depression disappear.
I want things, I want a life. I want a life where I can have relationships with people, actual people, and I’m not talking a romantic relationship – though yeah that would be pretty nice, I’m just talking about friendships… I have wonderful friends. Friends who I know (and hope) would never intentionally harm me, but… depression likes to convince me that they don’t want me around them, or that people will just have a better time if I wasn’t around.
I crave time alone, but when I’m alone it’s the last thing I want. I want to cry in front of my friends, I want to be able to let people know when I’m struggling, and I don’t want to be constantly thinking “they won’t understand” or “mental illness just makes me stupid, people shouldn’t have to care about me.” I’m a burden, I’m a burden without people even announcing that I’m a burden. I’ve decided I’m a burden before I’ve even reached out. Even when I’m spending time with people and not even drawing the slightest of attention to my mental illness, I’m just a burden. Me just being in the room makes things bad for others. Nobody wants me around, nobody wants to acknowledge me, they’d just rather I wasn’t there.
Depression makes me a burden. I think, 99% of the time that depression makes me a burden for others, but in all honesty depression just makes me a burden to myself. The thing that convinces me that I’m a burden to others is the stigma of mental illness. The thing that makes my depression a burden for myself and to myself is the negative thoughts, the self-hate and the bubble of dystopia I’ve created for myself. Depression is a burden for me. The things I’ve missed out on, the clouded outlook – the horrible perception of the world, and others that depression forces into my life is just a downright burden, for me.
The burden imposed through the stigma of mental illness just adds to the pain of depression, depression is difficult enough to deal with, I don’t need others to convince me that depression sucks.
This image describes my current feelings toward myself:
Dearest Someone, 
Hey lovely. You are so good at articulating these difficult to express and isolating experiences. As usual your post is full of hope, insight and resilience. I don’the like to argue with your depression, but what a gift you are to yourself and others 😊
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Thank-you 🙂 Normally writing helps ease the pain of depression a little, but tonight I’ve just decided to be brutally honest and accept that sometimes depression just really really sucks and there’s nothing you can do about it! Hope you’re well 🙂
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Hang on in there 😊 Depression is really teally tough – keep writing and connecting… Yes I am well – lots of adjusting, but overall in a good place.
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Wow xx
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Well written and writing is cathartic. Depression sends you to dark places where you feel sometimes that you cannot escape from. Stay strong.
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Thank-you for your comment, it’s much appreciated 🙂
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My word, you have described these feelings so well and they resonate in a way that few people are able to understand or articulate. I cannot tell you how well you have hit the nail on the head, felt some hope that someone could explain and really understand how depression feels. Thank you.
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Hi Brian, thank-you so much for your comment. I really struggle to articulate how I feel at times (and other times I just feel silly trying to actually tell people how I feel because I’m deeply afraid that they’ll just think I’m being ‘dramatic.’) But the response I’ve had from this post has been pretty incredible, and I cannot tell you how weirdly comforting it is to know that others have experience similar stuff, and are able to relate.
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I’m on my second longer term period of depression in the last few years and it has hung around for way longer than I’ve expected. Your blog just captured how I feel perfectly and I couldn’t have put it in words how you have. I know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel just not sure when I’ll arrive at it. Keep doing what you’re doing and writing it down, it’s inspirational even if that’s not your aim or how you’re feeling at the time!
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In all honesty writing is really therapeutic for me (even when I get frustrated at the prospect of writing…) it’s one of those things that helps me feel as though I’ve been productive, accomplished something and started to understanding, even if only slightly, what on earth it is that I’m feeling or going through! I wish you all the best Brian! 🙂
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Reblogged this on Crazy Pasta Child.
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Reblogged this on barclaydave and commented:
Yes we are a burden to ourselves but it’s one of the hardest places to leave. I’m not talking about feeling down and neither is the original. Please don’t leave comments here, leave them on the original post and show you care about those of us who have mental issues.
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I found this reblogged on Dave’s side and it is brilliantly written.
It may have been a heart breaking blog to read, but it amplified the truth about depression and mental illness at the same time.
Many people out there does not realized that they do have the exact problem as well. But most of us, are better at hiding it and not confronting it at all.
I can relate to this blog one-hundred percent because I, myself have been through the worse of depression problem for the past years ever since I was a teen. Now, I am a mother of seven kids and nearing my 40, I’d my own life experiences that taught me a lot on understanding and even sacrifices to defies what I went through for so long.
To tell the truth, my kids has a role in this too – they had taught me another way to heal myself and that their world has taught me many things I did not or couldn’t see before.
I wish the best of all healings for everyone or anyone out there who are battling depression. I wish all the good blessings and may you find your path to the light.
And I wish that you recover bit by bit in your own time as well, Brian.
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Hi, thanks for your comment and thank-you for your well wishes. I am very humbled that you’re able to relate to this blog. It’s lovely that your kids have helped you recover in ways that you’d never expected. I wish you all the best in your journey.
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Thank you, Ella.
But sadly enough that I know many who either denied that they too, or really just do not know that they do, or pretending with full arrogance that they are better than such people.
But still, I wish you all the BEST in everything you do. 🙂
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So painful, but full of insight too. The ability to step back and recognize the dynamic of depression in your life is a first step on the road to wresting control. Much luck and love to you. 🙂
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Thank-you! 🙂 x
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