I’ve not had the best of weeks when it comes to my mental health, but I’m not too sure how to explain why. You know that feeling when you suddenly realise that you should be ridiculously overwhelmed, but actually you’ve just somehow been plodding along dealing with things? Well… that’s kind of what this past week has been like for me.
Honestly, I think I very rarely complain about having a mental illness, (I mean I do, of course I do…) but I’m almost 90% of the time preoccupied with trying to get from one day to the next. When I do complain it’s more of a ‘how the heck am I going to get through this?‘ kind of complaint. I think, 100%, that I spend a lot of time and a lot of energy feeling angry towards why certain things happened. Trauma is trauma, and I’m still coming to terms with stuff that I’ve been through – I’m pretty sure some things I won’t ever be able to understand, but what I can understand and accept is that this world can, and will throw intense, crap things at you.
It’s all about processing this ‘crap’ (apparently)… but, some ‘crap’ things can be a little more ‘crap’ than others. And, without a doubt some people will struggle to deal with things that others wouldn’t blink an eye at. That’s just the way it works. I go through phases of being able to kind of ‘brush off’ my past, or at least I can push memories and things to the back of my mind. But, certainly over the last week, I’ve had quite a few ‘oh sh** this actually happened to me’ kind of moments, teamed up with ‘so much has happened, clearly I’m not meant to be here’, and ‘clearly because of all the crap I’ve been through I’m just destined for disaster,’ as well as ‘I can’t deal with things, so I’m obviously a terrible person’ kind of moments. And, thoughts and feelings that really leave me a little dumbstruck, but the thoughts of ‘so and so has been able to deal with this and so much more, I’m such an idiot for not being able to cope.’ And boom… I hate my past, I’m terrified of my future and I have no idea at all how to cope with the present.
I really have been having a week of asking ‘why me?’ and ‘what more can ya throw at me?’ (The latter is not a challenge, I’d quite happily not have any more rubbish thrown my way…)