Sometimes I can’t find the words to describe how I’m feeling, and that can feel incredibly lonely. It feels difficult trying to keep up with my emotions – one minute I feel able to reach out, and the next I’m terrified and wearied by the thought of asking others for support.
Last week it felt as though I had mental health support coming out of my ears, and this week I feel as though it’s just me, again. That’s not fun – and I’m almost (definitely) embarrassed by how easily I’ve managed to brush things off, and attempt to push things to the back burner. I guess from the perspective of others I’m managing quite well, but to me I’m completely exhausted by my mind, my thoughts, my actions, my everything. But how can I ask for help, when I’ve already asked for help?
I do feel as though I’m being dramatic, and no matter how many times I’m reassured that I’m not I think I will always struggle with the shame that I feel thanks to my mental health. I don’t want to fall apart, but I also don’t want to pull myself together. I have no idea how to face things – I feel as though I’m putting so much pressure on myself to react ‘correctly’ to occasions in my life. However, I’ve continuously met with the phrase “fake it ’til ya make” – so surely putting on a smile and getting on with things must be the correct thing to do?
My mind is a constant storm of opposing thoughts – from memories, feelings, beliefs and expectations – but I have no idea how to make sense of it all. And, when I do form some sort of sense out of the blur that feeling of control is only within my grasp for a few seconds, and then it’s back to square one.
The problem is, there isn’t yet a way that others can pop into your brain, figure out what’s going on and eradicate all the painful thoughts, memories and beliefs. I feel incredibly overwhelmed, stressed and a little hopeless. Hopefully a good night’s sleep will do me good.