Dearest Someone,

I’m feeling a little bit lost, I’m feeling a little bit confused, I’m feeling a little bit like I have no idea! It was my first day back to business today after a lovely Christmas break – and immediately I’m feeling like I have no clue what’s going on in my brain. (But this time I just can’t be bothered with it all!)

I know that I have a lot going on in my life and all that jazz – but I’m fed up with the mood fluctuations or being triggered by the slightest thing. I’m at a bit of an odd / can’t get my head around it point in my journey where unfortunately I’ve figured out one huge trigger for my low-moods. I know this is great because it means I can try and avoid this trigger – but the most irritating, frustrating, annoying thing is it’s my friends that trigger my low mood. I love my friends – so bloody much – so it’s really hard for me to understand where to go with this – I think I’ve known for a while that when I’m around certain people they cause me to act, and feel completely differently – I’ve tried to control it / explain it to them but it’s no use as I cannot change the way I feel / act – it’s completely involuntary and what makes it so much worse is that my friends haven’t done a single thing wrong. In fact they couldn’t be any more understanding – I have no idea if they are fully aware of what goes on in my head – but they have certainly done there best with the information that I’ve given them – so I really wish there was an ‘off’ button for all this ha.

The thing is I have an ‘anti-happy’ mood I think – aka: when I’m having a blast my brain automatically decides it wants to bring every stupid little thought to the forefront of my thinking – add to that all the thoughts that are utterly ridiculous and completely false intrusive-like thoughts – for example, if a friend mentions another friend immediately in my brain that means that everyone hates me – which I know (or I hope) isn’t the truth. I think one thing that makes this whole situation more difficult is that I feel my mind is split into two different modes when it comes to dealing with these type of moods – one part of my mind acts completely logical, understands things from the perspective that tells me that I’m thinking complete rubbish, then there’s the other part of my mind that believes all these thoughts and produces more and more of this negative thinking. Unfortunately for me it’s the negative part / thoughts that win every time. This then leaves me wanting to hide and think through everything that is wrong with me and my life all in one go. I’m laughing at how dramatic this all sounds – but the truth is this is what goes on in my mind (quite regularly – boo.) 

So – if anyone could give me any tips to help with this haha – because my brain is one big machine of confusion, and I’m kinda a little bit bored of it all now! (Frustrated / irritated / helplessly powered by these low-moods.)

Sorry if this has all been a bit pointless!