I’ve struggled a lot these past few days, but at the same time I feel great – something which makes me proud of myself yet hate myself in more ways than I could ever imagine. Dramatic I know but boy oh boy my head seems to be a lot more dramatic at the moment – I’m struggling with small, banal things, yet there isn’t an ‘off’ button so I’m having to plod along and try to deal with them.
I seem to have a lot of ‘small’ issues fighting for my attention at the moment, and I’m finding it hard to focus on each issue, which means that I’m struggling to cope but I haven’t really got a clear focus on what it is that I’m struggling with. This also means that when I try to explain my issues to my friend I am feeling very lost, and almost helpless (and this is a friend that is ridiculously understanding, and knows how my head works.) This friend is someone who understands anything that I throw at him, and I couldn’t be more thankful – but it panics me and stresses me out when I can’t explain to him what I’m thinking because it’s all one big blur. Also, I’m going through some things which I feel difficult to talk about as I feel ashamed for the way I’m acting – yet in the eyes of my friends and colleagues I’m acting the same as I always do – so how do ya handle that?
So basically, I’m struggling with smalls thoughts that seem to be taking over my brain, and I’m finding all of my actions (even simple conversations) as actions that are bad. By bad I mean – something which I feel is negative, something which makes me feel ashamed, yet they are perfectly normal actions – it’s hard to articulate how / why this happens, but it means that even smiling at someone or simply saying hello seems (to me) like I’ve done something horrendously wrong. I’m fighting inner demons that I know are stupid – yet I can’t stop these demons, they aren’t impulsive, they are somewhat second nature to me and I’m really really finding things tough right now.
Small steps, one step at a time – small, small, small -it’s funny how I’m struggling with ‘small’ things, yet my answer is to take things in ‘small’ steps. Today I was faced with the impulsive need to do what I normally do when I’m trying to deal with things – I deal with ‘dealing with things’ in different ways, but there’s one way that I struggle with to the point that it’s unbearable. — I think it’s interesting that I find the need to deal with things by allowing this impulsive need to consume my mind and take over my emotions – yet it leaves me feeling awful, ashamed, guilty and pretty much mortified. Which then leaves me having to ‘deal’ with my ‘dealing/coping mechanisms.’
I feel the need to point out that what I do to deal with things isn’t as dramatic as it sounds, I don’t feel comfortable sharing what I do, but it’s something which cannot be seen on the surface – yet leaves me feeling distraught. (And it’s not illegal – that I can promise ya – it’s a food related issue, but that’s all you’re getting.) I know that I shouldn’t do it, but it’s something I have been struggling with for almost ten years, so today when I managed to stop myself it felt like I’d achieved something significant – the only issue is I cannot share this achievement with my friends as I haven’t shared with them this struggle. I feel this small step was highly significant for me – however about two hours later I was faced with the impulse again – in fact, I’m writing this blog post in an attempt to not give in. It seems to be working! So for me – what to do when I am against myself seems to be writing. I have a journal but it’s something I only write in every few months or when I have a lot on my mind – or when I have things I feel I cannot share with others – and it does me a wealth of good to release my emotions through writing in my journal. I also find that writing down things that I’m thankful for is a fantastic way for me to realise that I’m not as bad as what I lead myself to believe.
Here’s to hoping that I stay strong – and that you do to! 🙂