I’m not too sure how I feel, or how this blog post will end up, but there’s an intense need to write things – things that are filling up my mind. Yet (and bare with me here) I have no idea what these things are.
A few weeks back I decided that I’d take some time away from dealing with things, I don’t mean that I’ve ignored everything and pushed my feelings to the backburner (if only that was actually possible!) I just mean that I decided to try and pay attention to how I’m actually feeling, and whether or not I can deal with things independently. Even though I’ve got a fantastic support system (both in University, in the NHS and further afield) at the end of the day I have been the only one who has to deal with what I’m dealing with. I’m not trying to sound ungrateful or egotistic here, what I mean is that although I try my hardest to articulate what I’m going through I am the only person who is actually dealing with my individual battle. We all have our own personal battles, and I think it’s actually very difficult to portray exactly what you’re going through, in fact I reckon it’s impossible. So basically, my train of thought here is that I am in fact dealing with things independently already but it’s the people in my life who help me and even at times work tirelessly to try and make my battle smoother and less painful.
I seek support from an amazing team, yet a few years ago the thought of even reaching out to someone made me feel sick, so I cannot thank the wonderful people in my support system enough. They are unable to change what I am feeling, or they are unable to stop what I am going through, but they are there to listen. And they’ve been there to listen an awful lot.
I don’t know if what I’m about to say resonates with any of you but I have a select team of professionals who, when I’m stressed or in need of support I contact first. Recently I think it’s been playing on my mind the stress of potentially not being able to contact these individuals, currently I’m faced with the possibility of moving cities and changing a lot of things around, and I’m very aware of how this will affect my support system.
So, I took the chance to ‘deal with things alone’ whilst I went away to Cornwall and Essex for a few weeks. I had a lovely break, it was actually really really nice, and it was a much needed rest, I had plenty of time to do nothing and just focus on myself (something which I hardly ever do). But I’m back to work now, which is fine, I’ve managed to ease myself back in slowly but I really am stressing about trying to make a decision about my future. (I think it’s fairly normal to be this stressed!) However, it is also the anniversary of Boscastle Flood this Sunday, and then the anniversary of another traumatic event the week after, so everything is maybe possibly slightly a little too much for me at the moment.
I just have a lot to think about, and a lot of words in my mind that I needed to write down, so ten points to you if you read this far! 🙂