My mood is very low, despite being able to ‘function’ I feel very depressed. Depression is a horrid mess of blackness, which for me feels inescapable. I am unable to manoeuvre my way through the darkness to find a way out. I’ve been travelling in circles throughout the past two years, yet the longer I travel the less likely it feels that I’ll find a comfortable destination.
I don’t know what I want right now, I feel I have so many options, but so little choice. Depression wants one thing – it wants me to struggle, and it’s winning. Depression has taken my energy, my drive, my ability to think coherently and it’s found friendship in anxiety. Heck, the relationship between my depression and anxiety is probably greater than any relationship I’ll ever have.
Depression has left me feeling alone. I have friends, family, colleagues, the shopkeeper across the road – there’s people everywhere who I know want to spend time with me, people who care about me, but depression doesn’t want that. Anxiety definitely doesn’t want me to have friendships – because friendship is dangerous, and depression knows that’s true.
Anxiety and depression are the dream team. Anxiety and depression have been fighting to take control for a while, and currently they are winning. And the prize? Stress, hopelessness, lethargy, panic, self-hate and anger. Anger towards myself, towards my dear friends depression and anxiety, guilt towards the people trying to help, envy towards people living ‘normal’ lives, and of course anger, sorrow, fear, pain and shame toward my past, my present and my future.
I may sound dramatic, but you should hear some of the stuff anxiety likes to come up with.