I’m exhausted, everything is upsetting me and quite frankly I’m past the point of even being able to identify why on earth I’m feeling like this. That’s the frustrating thing about my mental health – for me personally it’s how my mind can strip back any capability I had to identify feelings – the ambiguity of emotions and mood is something which confuses me. Being happy feels wrong, feeling sad doesn’t feel right, and feeling content feels like a lie. This is just today’s feelings… excuse the use of the overused metaphor but I’m dealing with a yo-yo of emotions.

I have no explanation for the tiring sadness and pain I’ve felt today. I’ve had  a few issues with my medication this past week – I realise I’ve not really blogged about medication, I’d say it’s quite personal, but if we are to break the taboo and stigma surrounding mental health then discussing medication shouldn’t be too complex. 

A quick heads-up: I’ve been on Sertraline for over a year now I believe, the dosage has altered a few times – which I’ve been perfectly okay with as I’ve been able to recognise the need for a change. Recently due to the return of panic attacks, and anxiety that left me struggling to function I was started on a very low dosage of Quetiapine. It took me a while to adjust to this one – it’s primarily used to treat bipolar disorder and schizophrenia but I was told that it’d enhance the effect of sertraline. The change left me feeling pretty knackered every time I took the quetiapine but I think, after a few months I’ve definitely noticed a positive change.

Anyway, due to several schedules clashes (how fancy does that sound?) I’ve been unable to meet with my doctor before I went down to Cornwall (I’m currently based in Birmingham). I did have an appointment at my CMHT (community mental health team) however at the time it didn’t occur to me that I’d run out of medication. The silly thing is my mental health adviser even reminded me to check my medication before I went away, but I just completely forgot. This has made me question why I’m not on a repeat prescription, but I guess it’s due to the fluctuating amounts/dosages etc. So… when I was in Cornwall I was very aware of the date that I’d run out of sertraline, I phoned up the partnership which controls the surgery I belong to (my usual nurse is currently working summer hours as I see her through my University’s healthcare services, and it’s summer break). So I spoke to a new doctor over the phone and arranged to have my prescription sent to Essex (I’d have enough medication until I got to Essex – which was yesterday). I’d anticipated that the prescription would arrive yesterday but unfortunately it didn’t arrive until today.

Now if you’ve been able to keep up with all this then you’ll have figured out that I was a day short of sertraline – usually I take 200mg daily alongside quetiapine, whereas yesterday I was only able to take 100mg. It’s strange as I’ve had my dosage lowered before and I’ve felt fine (of course decreased in 50mg fractions) but still… I didn’t realise that one day with 100mg less of sertraline would effect me so much.

I’m questioning whether I felt ill due to the medication, or just because I was stressed about the medication. But either way, I reached a point, at around 11pm I think, where I felt unbelievably sick but I couldn’t move due to my body feeling absolutely ridiculous and I felt real sorry for myself. I did have a crazy headache, and I spent most of the day asleep – now I haven’t been able to decipher whether that’s just due to my mental health or due to the sertraline. 

I managed to sort out all my medication today though, but I’m feeling a little fragile. I’m at home with my family, and my poor cat has had to put up with me a lot today haha. I’ve cried a lot today which isn’t something I do often, I’ve also found myself thinking ‘nobody cares, nobody cares, nobody cares.’ I’m not telling myself to get a grip, but I’m trying to force myself to pay attention to all that has happened this past year, screw looking back any further, I need to focus on what I’ve achieved, and divert away from focusing on events that have, without a doubt, changed things.

In case you haven’t guessed, I’m incredibly frustrated with things today haha, and I thought that writing this blog post would help me to make sense of things… Maybe if I read it through a few times I’ll get tired and I’ll fall asleep…

Au Revoir!