Dissociation, desperation and determination

It’s Tuesday evening, I’m absolutely shattered, tired, exhausted, knackered, sleepy… 

I’ve spent the last two days in Birmingham, with my life a blur of trains, meetings, talking too much, new students, mental health stuff, wine, chicken and friends. I’ve missed being busy! In fact… I’ve missed being present in my own mind. Even though I’ve been mega busy, and I’ve pushed myself to new limits I’m also relieved to finally have motivation and energy back in my life. 

Being at home with my family has been lovely (albeit the cat bites aren’t exactly my favourite) but I’ve certainly been ‘switched off’ since I’ve been at home. I’ve been able to blog – blogging for me is apparently now one of the only things I can do when I’m mega stressed/not exactly present, so of course I’ve been rolling with that and been using writing/blogging as a way to release un-vented emotion, thoughts, energy blah blah blah.

Currently, I’m working on a research project which I’ve organised, and conducted myself for my academic studies. I love the project, I’m really interested in it / motivated with the work, yet I haven’t been able to get everything out of my brain and onto paper (or a Word document)… It’s like my brain switches off, I forget how to do things… or I simply go into some other world, where I’m doing simple, everyday things but really I’m not present in my own mind/body. I do this at times – most frequently when I’m having a mental health/talking-type session, but I also do this a lot when I’m at home. Dissociation is apparently the proper word for this, but I just like to call it ‘switching off’ or ‘forgetting how to function’ – because that’s pretty much how I sum up these moments and situations.

For the past few weeks I think I’ve actually been pretty desperate to work, to write and to research. I love writing, so my research that I have lined up doesn’t intimidate me, I just cannot at the moment find a way to ‘switch my brain on’. That’s how I feel, I feel like I just can’t force a connection between my desire to do, and the actual ‘doing’ of a task. I’m not sure why, I’m really not, but I can find myself spending hours doing nothing. Like… I’m not watching TV as a form of entertainment, I’m just watching TV. But I’m not really watching it, but I’m not really thinking about anything, I’m not really there. And when I’m like 50% there, when I’m sort of present I can guarantee I’m thinking about food or some other form of destructive behaviour. Which is incredibly stressful, as I end the day completely ashamed of how much work I’ve not done.  

After a few days in Birmingham I’m completely determined to kick this caveman like behaviour. I’m so terrified that people will think I’m being lazy, yet I cannot control it. Control is a word I’m not a fan of, I often feel very overwhelmed by the demons in my head (by my monster) but I have to remind myself that there must be a cause and thankfully I’ve been able to speak to both my Wellbeing Advisor and my Psychologist about how I’m feeling, and we’re working together to figure this out.

Also, my friends have been incredible – despite their own stressful situations they’ve been incredibly welcoming (and wonderfully inquisitive and sassy) so I’ve been able to relax and spend time away from the annoying pull of my wee little monster.

I doodled this a few weeks back, and it’s currently the only image I can find to represent my current feelings! (I’m very tired, forgive me haha!)

Baarely Getting By


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