It’s been a while since I’ve honestly been able to say that I’ve believed in myself, I mean yes I have moments where I feel I can take on anything, but recently I’ve slowly been developing something which I guess I should have nurtured a long time ago.
We all have knock backs in life, we do… and for me it’s been strange because I’ve been achieving things professionally while tackling some of the hardest and most painful, devastating, controlling, heartbreaking, confident-killing, the-world-sucks-and-i-suck stuff in terms of my mental illness. And, I’m sure you’ll agree – your mind can lie to you. Depression lies, anxiety makes you fear and avoid the worst, and low-self esteem, a great deal of hate and past traumas can convince you that you’re worthless. That no matter what you achieve it’ll never be enough. (I have no idea who it’ll never be enough for…) But, I also know deep down that I am capable of great things, I am talented, I know that – and in some weird, strange and almost comical way – the things that have happened to me in the past have taught me a lot of lessons.
Often people tell me that it’ll get better, or that I’m strong enough to make it through. I hate being told that things will get better… I just want you to listen to me right there and right then. But… when people tell me that they can see I’m determined and motivated I get annoyed, because I know I am, but still a part of me doesn’t believe that. A part of me has been so hurt and a part of me is really struggling where I don’t know when or how I will recover from it, but at the same time I know I am strong and capable to keeping plodding along.
Professionally I know that as long as I take care of myself, and work out a balance then I am capable of great things! As cheesy as that sounds… this is kind of a big deal for me, because sometimes I don’t think I declare my abilities, or my strengths enough. I’m very good at self-depreciation, at telling myself I’m a rubbish human. When really I’m not, yes some things really do suck, some things I need to figure out, therapy is terrifying, and recovery is incredibly hard. BUT… I am an intelligent egg, I am confident (when I need to be) and although I suffer from anxiety I will still stand up for what I think is right… and those who know me know all too well that I never stop talking…
Sometimes I have to remind myself that I was NOT made wrong. I am ill, and no it is not my fault. And recovery isn’t a quick process.
P.S: This blog post was written because I had a pretty nerve-filled day today, packed with interviews and various bits and bobs… I just wanted to say a quick but HUGE thank-you to all the lovely people who sent me good luck messages and well wishes! You are all so lovely and awesome! 🙂
All the best! x
P.P.S: Demi Lovato’s new song ‘CONFIDENT’ was 100% my anthem today!
What’s wrong with being… what’s wrong with being cooooooonfident?! oooohhaaaaooo!