Today’s been a bit of a weird one, and as you can tell I couldn’t think of anything even mildly genius to name this blog post… It’s 8:30pm and for some reason I feel the time is right to have a little blog. I’ve struggled a lot today with anxiety – I think whenever I have ‘rough’ days in terms of my anxiety I always get a little taken aback as fortunately I struggle less with my anxiety now than I have in the past. That’s not to say I don’t get anxious everyday, I really do… but sometimes because my anxiety is teamed with the oh so lovely friend that is self-hate it’s a little easier to handle. BUT… days like today where panic takes over my whole day are very hard for me to handle.
To be fair today was the first day of me figuring out how to get from my new place to work, and at the same time I promised myself that I would eat well today. Food has become something of a foe recently, more so than normal. So there’s the whole anxiety that stems from thinking about food, trying to plan food, actually remembering to eat food and not eating certain types of food. But yeah, it’s an intense week as I have a deadline for a piece of work that I’ve been doing for a while (and of course I want to hand it in at its best) and also I have a few challenges this week that I’m looking forward to, but at the same time I want them to be over! (It’s that dread, yet excited, yet dread-filled feeling – which teamed with anxiety is just not fun).
Anyway, I had a bit of a ‘freak out,’ I have no other way to articulate that because in the moment that was the only way I could explain myself to others. Fortunately for me when I was having my ‘freak out’ (aka: anxiety attack) the person who I was meant to be meeting with was very understanding. But, after that panic attack I then spent a good hour or so trying to get back to work, I was very on edge and all I wanted to do was walk around. Sitting at a desk and typing when you’re feeling this way isn’t the best – and I find it really hard to stop my legs from moving, so I have to do something.
So, I went for a little walk, sat and watched the trains leaving Birmingham New Street (it’s weirdly entertaining) and planned the rest of my day. I didn’t want anxiety to control my day, but at the same time you cannot just switch anxiety off. So, I let myself get overwhelmed and found myself saying all those lovely, cheesy phrases like ‘this too shall past’ and ‘storms don’t last forever.’ (I say cheesy, but secretly I like ’em…)
I also spent some time trying to ground myself, I practiced breathing (I don’t know how else to put that!) And I tried to focus more on my body and where I was sitting and all that kinda stuff (I’d write more about this but I don’t want to give suggestions that are wrong – as I know there are actual grounding techniques, but I need to familiarise myself with them!)
What made the day harder was knowing that I’d have to get the bus back. For some reason over the past two years I developed a real unhealthy relationship with buses. Buses leave me feeling incredibly anxious, but it’s a strange kind of anxious… I feel suffocated, but at the same time I feel like something horrendous is going to happen. I sorta switch off, (dissociate) and then somehow manage to get off at the right stop (which is lucky!) I guess that’s my mind’s way of coping, but I don’t know what triggers this! I really don’t! The bus journey home was fine though, and then when I got back I ate some food (good food – yeah!) And spent time getting to know my new housemates 🙂
Even though I’m a little stressed at the moment I’m a happy human. Yeah I have moments (like a lot of moments) where I’m negative toward myself, where I get terrified of everything and more, but, and as cheesy as it sounds, I feel like this is some new beginning in my life… Well it is as I’ve moved house, but also I’m in the last week of my Masters and I’m excited, scared and setting myself new challenges. Then of course anxiety likes to come along and gatecrash the party, but I think if I blog about it then it lessens the blow a little…
Here’s me trying to articulate myself over on Twitter earlier:
Dearest Someone, Twitter: @DearestSome