This post contains some stuff that may be triggering for some readers. I’ve been brutally honest here, but I can reassure you that I certainly have support in place. If you are in need of support please click here for links containing support information.
I’ve no idea how my brain is still letting me formulate sentences, but it is… no matter how illiterate they may seem. My mind has been so unbearably vacant and so unbearably full – my mind is tired maaaan (oh hey juxtaposition). Do you ever get that feeling where you feel no emotion? Everything is making me angry at the moment, especially noise… noise is annoying. At the same time I want to cry at everything, my friend took me to the pub earlier and I was so happy that I wanted to cry (as you do). I was always so tired that one drink left me ready for the world’s longest nap.
It’s been an intense day; lately things have been different – I’ve struggled to see the wood through the trees (how cheesy). I’ve also found it difficult to make sense of what I’ve been feeling, and my thoughts have been very scattered but very clear, which I know makes no sense but humour me. There’s been a few thoughts that have been at the forefront of my mind, and there’s been thoughts and feelings that I haven’t been able to avoid – here I’m talking about flashbacks I guess, but they seem to be more prominent when I’m feeling vulnerable or scared. I haven’t been anxious, I haven’t been feeling particularly down, I’ve just been feeling very numb, and – as dramatic as it sounds – hopeless. I’ve most certainly been at war with myself, and this time around I got very freaked out.
Everything is my fault, but everything isn’t my fault. I know I can’t control what happens to me at times, and I know I cannot control my feelings – but the thing is I feel incredibly weak and guilty for feeling things. (Or for having no idea what I’m feeling, mixed with anger, fear, more anger, self-hate, anger, shame, anger, self-hate and more). I deserve this.
For me things will always be ‘crap’ because I deserve this. A car crash on your birthday… obviously the universe is trying to tell you something. A flood, a mini-crash, people who 100% don’t want you in their lives, your own brain hating ya, not being able to eat food (what)… I can’t do anything right, I’m not safe anywhere (even in my favourite place ever). What do ya do when your safe place is also the place that’s left you in some pretty life-threatening situations (more than once?!) Ya find a new safe place, but wait, other stuff is going to stop you from being able to think clearly, from feeling safe anywhere. (Or is that just me being a fool? Maybe this is all in my head, maybe this isn’t real, maybe I’m just a useless, ridiculous person.
Even I can’t like myself, who would ever want to be around me?
Everyday the sense of worthlessness grows, everyday the emptiness gets stronger and everyday I’m reminded of how brutal this big old planet can be.
Everyday I’m also reminded of how incredible the people in my life are, and I could never find a way to express how grateful I am for those who support me.
Screw the bad shizzle, we don’t want to let it win.
Though, the below image 1oo% sums up a lot of things; I spend far too much time saying “I don’t know.”
Someone get me a thesaurus.
😦 sorry to hear that you’re having such a tough time Ella. I totally relate to the numb feeling and to being sensitive to noises. And to flashbacks and being triggered. 😦 I’m sorry its like this for you right now. You’re not alone and it will pass xx thinking of you, Em
Thank-you for this comment! In a weird way it’s kind of nice to know that I’m not the only one going through stuff like this – I feel a lot better today though! It’s strange sometimes how opening up about things can lift a lot of weight off of everything! Hope you’re well xx
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…and jeez louise, I also strongly relate to the ‘I don’t know’ I was asking myself earlier on if its a way of me trying to take a break… because there’s a sensation to it in my brain when I start saying, feeling, answering my therapist’s questions with ‘I don’t know’… its different than a simple lack of information to me I think xx
EVERY question I answer with “I don’t know” – I blummin’ hate myself for it haha, but I agree, it’s not a lack of information it’s more not being able to put into words (or thoughts) about what I’m feeling! xx
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Yours’ is the very first ptsd related blog I’ve ever read. I can relate 100%. It’s somehow comforting. Thank you!
Thanks Jess, I’m so glad that you find this comforting, even if only slightly 🙂 All the best!